Jan. 3rd, 2013

So living with my parents is getting weird because I keep wanting to *talk* about stuff and my mom just will not BUDGE to my level.

Like, I wanted to discuss that I might be at least moderately aromantic. Dating stuff has never really interested me further than the pressures I felt to do it since the world told me that was what I was supposed to want, but when I've actually had boyfriends it's fine but I don't want to do "romantic" things like eat at restaurants or watch the sunset or receive flowers. I've NEVER fantasized about getting married--in fact, the times in my life when I did want a husband or boyfriend it was because I was feeling more insecure than usual and wanted proof that I could be attractive.

I tried to broach this topic of conversation, but my mom just smacked it down by saying that she thought I was calling myself aromantic because I'm trying to seal myself off from relationships out of insecurity.

It's an interesting idea and I can see why she would think that, but I'm not as insecure these days--actually, I'm at a point where I KNOW there are people who are attracted to me (most of the guys at work go out of their way to say hi every single time they pass me in the store, and three already asked for my number [confidence is fun]) but if I ever move toward any kind of relationship I feel myself putting on the brakes and going "uhghhh no can you just stop". It's more like I don't want to waste the emotional energy on a human.

When I was with Vincent, I liked having him around and everything but I didn't want long walks on the beach, I just wanted someone to lie on while I watched Doctor Who. And that was fine but it didn't feel essential.

When I'm single I feel like dating is the worst idea ever. The idea of walking down an aisle in a fancy dress with everybody staring at you makes me uncomfortable to the tips of my fingers. It might be a combination of cynicism, old insecurities, and self-centeredness, but whatever the reason it's culminated in me not giving a shit about seeking relationships or what-have-you, and it irritates me that she's always acting like this is just a phase.

DEAR ADULTS OF THE WORLD: when I say at the age of twenty-three that I hate the idea of childbirth and have ZERO intention of doing it, I am not going through a goddamn phase, especially since I have also said this ever since I can freakin REMEMBER. When I say that marriage isn't important to me and never has been, why would you put on that smug face and tell me I'm going to change my mind when Mr Right comes along?

I don't really believe in "Mr Right" or soulmates or true love... I think it's a relationship like any other that takes work and grows and changes over time. Maybe someday I'll get that, but SO WHAT IF I DON'T NEED IT?

Why did I make this post... probably because I'm so ready to move out of here and STILL ON SQUARE ONE.

Alright bye, gonna draw my future tattoo on my upper thigh again just to admire it.
On the heels of all my complaining I was doing last night comes a chipper update!

Today I went to see the LM movie (for free because it was noon and we couldn't find anyone in the cinema to sell us tickets???) then went out to eat with the only friends who have bothered to contact me since I got home (and we've hung out TWICE now btw), then we went back to the cinema and saw The Hobbit in 3D! What a good day wow.

Then I get home and met... my new roommate!

We're doing a four people to a two bedroom apartment deal, so she's literally my roommate and not my flatmate or what-have-you, but she's adorable and a film major and partway through our conversation went on a small rant about Disney secretly promoting homophobia and when she asked if I had any pets I said no but I really want a hedgehog and she flailed her arms around in the air and offered to be a party to my dream of having an underground hedgehog breeding ground in NYC. Plus I don't need to bring ANY furniture and don't need to sign a lease! I can stay till about November 2013 or less, whatever works, and if I'm enjoying myself and the rent doesn't go up she's planning to sign the lease again and if we can afford it we might go down to two people with separate rooms.

It's East Harlem, by the way, and the other two flatmates will be boys, one of which is apparently the sweetest guy ever and the other of which is TBA.

Anyway, it's set, I can put in my notice at Target, I can buy my train ticket, because on February 1st I will finally be moving to NYC!

Oh and did I mention--the rent is $350 a month???

Now I'm trying to figure out temp agencies because my savings will run out pretty fast after I pay my deposit.

Oh, and from now on this is what the "my roommate" tag will be about, so yay!

New Year's Resolution: quit looking back and missing all those people who don't actually miss me.


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