[personal profile] lesmisloony
Not sure what I'm feeling...

Thanks to the people who helped point out what should have been obvious to me re: the craigslist scams.  I blithely didn't see a way that those approaches would backfire, though obviously the whole thing seemed VERY strange.  I'm glad people helped me catch it before it cost me or got me into trouble.

I just really want a job.

Like... I want to have money again.  I want to be able to grab a Subway sandwich if I want to, or to try the famous New York pizza everyone talks about.  Even when I was an au pair I could usually justify buying a pair of shoes here and there, but with no income I totally panic and stop spending anything at all.  My roommates won't stop shaming me for sticking around the apartment.  I don't think they realize that $2.50 for a one-way trip in the métro is really unreasonable and adds up.

I'm considering getting the kind of job I was hoping to avoid, like retail or waitressing, and then trying for an unpaid internship just for the sake of getting experience somewhere, but I don't know if that kind of thing could really work.  I think I got really depressed today because all my responses from craigslist (except one that didn't go anywhere after a week of "maybes") turned out to be scams.

I'd accidentally started thinking about what I could do with all the money they promised I'd make, you know?  For starters, I want a mattress.  I want to pay off my student loans.  I want a bed frame.  I want warm winter-appropriate shoes.  I want to have meals rather than make one big vat of brown rice and vegetables and eat off of that for two weeks.  I want that giant portrait of the Seine that I saw in Ikea the other week.

I miss Paris every day, and it's making me gloomy.  I really thought being in a big city would help, but I picked a terrible time to come out here.  It's too cold to really explore and I'm too poor to spend much money on the subway, so I'm stuck in a really crummy neighborhood remembering how sweet and gorgeous Paris was.  Just aesthetically I miss Paris, and I miss the métro.

I'm kind of bummed out, I guess.  I knew not to put 100% of my faith in that job thing the way I knew not to develop too much attachment to Maktav: when I got let down as I suspected I eventually would, it hurt a lot more than it was supposed to.

Date: 2013-02-15 12:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cerberusia.livejournal.com
I have nothing sensible to say in reply to this post, but I just read something which made me think of you and your feelings on Paris:

"One's emotions are intensified in Paris—one can be more happy and also more unhappy here than in any other place. But it is always a positive source of joy to live here, and there is nobody so miserable as a Parisian in exile from his town."
― Nancy Mitford, The Pursuit of Love

Me, I think you'll go back one day, and not just for a job. Not forever, but to my mind you have two home countries now, the USA and France, and every expat knows that no matter how lovely the country you're in right now is, occasionally you'll long to be back on familiar ground in your home country. Even if you're in your other home country!

You just need to get through this bit first - getting yourself into a good position. But I reckon you're doing it right.

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