Well for some reason I seem to be the only person who calls him out on things like leaving hours-old shit in the toilet and never doing his weekly chore, so of course I'm sort of the local bitch of the apartment, so much fun. Also, I get some form of anxiety about leaving stuff that belongs to me unattended around people I don't trust. I bought a four-tier shower shelf for the roommates one day and to soothe myself about leaving my shampoo, conditioner, and soap unattended I put rubber bands around them so that if someone wanted to steal some shampoo mine would be difficult to negotiate. I didn't expect it to actually DO anything except help me feel better.
Until the other day when I went to shower and saw the rubber bands were off the bottles and lying across the shelf, meaning someone had touched my shit. There was only one roommate home, so I sent him perhaps the most polite message I've ever sent, and our correspondence went like this:
Hi Gordon, just a heads-up since we're holding down the fort alone this weekend, I went ahead and cleaned some body hair that I guess was yours out of the drain. I'm giving you a free no-passive-aggression pass on that one thought because I know my hair has been falling out all over the place lately and has probably inconvenienced you at least once so we're probably even.
BUT the other thing I was going to say (before I pressed enter and fb took over) was, I'm usually inclined to be a very generous person, but I'm also possessive as hell so I like to be asked before someone uses my shit. And I'm currently referring to my shampoo and soap. It's really obvious when someone has messed with them, and since you're the only one here I'm guessing you're the culprit. Please ask every time you're gonna use my stuff and know that unless it's an extreme situation of some kind I'll probably say yes. This was my number one fear about moving in with roommates for some reason, and I've been anxious ever since my mom bought me those Reese butterflies for my birthday and some went missing. I'm a greedy motherfucker and I notice when my stuff gets tampered with, so yeah, please just ask every time you need something and I'll most probably say have at it.
PLEASE TELL ME HOW I COULD HAVE BEEN NICER.
The next morning I woke up to find the rubber bands off my shampoo AGAIN along with this reply:
Oh I never used your shampoo. I just liked flicking the rubberbands off to make you paranoid about it. xxxx
Trembling with rage, something that hasn't really happened to me since I was a kid but has happened a lot this weekend, I responded:
Aw how adorable, by which I mean please don't do it again or I'll take the shower shelf I bought back and go back to carrying my shampoo and soap in and out like I used to do before I started trusting you guys. Also, for future reference, try not to leave your shoes in the living room like you did Wednesday because the hot weather seems to be having a negative effect on them/your feet and it literally stinks up the entire apartment.
Then, to make my threat official, I reposted it to the facebook group thread where all the housemates could see:
Hi guys, just wanted to publicly say that I bought the shower shelf thing because I was at a point where I trusted people not to mess with my stuff if I left it in there, but if my shampoo and conditioner keep getting messed with I'm going to take the shelf back out of there out of rage. I think of myself as a generous person but I'm also possessive, meaning if you ask I'll usually let you use my stuff but if you just take it I will react very badly. This is an example of that. Please respect my things and I'll do the same for you.
The next morning he had done it AGAIN and there was a response from him in the thread:
It's just a shower shelf...
To which I said,
I don't know if you're saying that you don't care if it gets removed or if you're trying to tell me that I'm overreacting about having my stuff messed with, but I think it should be abundantly clear from what I've just said, from the private message I sent you earlier, and from pure common sense that this is more of a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation than an overblown reaction to someone messing with my shampoo. But hey, since I've been told the whole point of moving it at all was just was to upset me, at least you can feel good about the fact that it worked!
And he replied:
So last night I removed the shelf he uses from my shower thing, leaving Sophia's and mine in place, and lined his products up neatly along the side of the tub. It was very hard for me to resist the urge to piss into his shampoo, but I resisted.
This morning I come in and see that my shower shelf is completely empty. I banged on his door and woke him up to tell him that this isn't funny and he needs to stop. When I went back into the bathroom I saw that he had put his own shelf back onto the thing at the very top and moved all my stuff up onto it.
I am so fucking done that I have literally told Sophia that I'm moving out in a month. Luckily, I met the best person ever this weekend and she also wants to move soon, so we're going to be in a free no-Gordo zone by the end of the summer.
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING SHIT
So since you were probably not entirely conscious enough to understand me this morning, allow me to repeat that what's going on right now is not funny to me, though I assume it is to you or else I can't see any motive to keep it up. I can't tell why you're doing this, but from where I'm sitting it just looks like you've become a terrible person out of nowhere, and I'm confused as to when that transformation took place. Can you not tell that I'm really upset, or are you actually enjoying making me feel this way? I was as polite as I could have possibly been when I sent my original message--and if I wasn't, please explain to me what part of my first message set you off so I know to never do it again.
I know the rubber bands were never going to stop someone who was determined to steal my shampoo but I had them there because they soothed my personal anxiety over leaving my belongings unattended. Do you understand what anxiety is? I can't comprehend how relentlessly tormenting someone who has a problem like that could be interpreted as an okay thing to do. I also need you to stop doing these things because I get very angry and have to force myself not to retaliate with the really horrible, disrespectful things that come into my mind. I took the shelf off the shower because I paid for that for everyone and it really bothers me that no one ever thanked me and now you're abusing me after I tried to be helpful and generous. This isn't a hilarious little joke war to me; it is actually upsetting me and hurting my feelings. Please stop.
I could write a massive thing about all the things I think you have done to me. Like the public bitching post about me on face book, the super critical nature you have about me, the general bad attitude that makes it "JUST SO WONDERFUL TO LIVE WITH YOU" or the fact that you can dish out criticism but can't take it back, or the fact that you're the most judgmental person I know. Oh yes I could go on to write a book about all those things, but I've come to the realization that even if I did tell you all those things none of it would matter. It's not going to change you or make you see a new light to how your behavior effects people. I think you would just rationalize it away then argue with me and then we'd go into this cycle of constant bickering. Which I really don't care get into. In fact, I don't care at all. The fact that you get so upset over someone moving a rubber band IS hilarious. The fact that you couldn't find your stuff when all you had to do was look up, was pretty funny. The fact that you think we didn't say thank you even though we did is really funny. We didn't make a big fuss over it because it's just a shower shelf. The fact that you think of yourself as generous is really funny. I think that was the only thing you've ever given to me. I guess I see you as a bully. But the worst kind. Someone who doesn't know they're a bully then makes themselves out to be the victim. This is my way of telling you that I'm not afraid of you, and that I don't care what you do or say anymore.
That all being said I don't want to hurt your FEELINGS. That's not what I set out to do. I'm not that type of person you see. I would love to see you retaliate so I can laugh at you even more. But for the sake of everyone in the apartment, I'll stop for now.
By they way, you owe me $1.40 for the keys that I copied for all of us.
I'M A BULLY FOR TELLING HIM TO FLUSH THE TOILET AFTER HIMSELF????????????