This concept was born during a fangirl all-nighter at 10littlebullets
's *incredible* Parisian apartment the night of June 6th (or, more accurately, the morning of June 7th). Because we weren't ready to leave before the Metro closed, we decided to stay until it reopened. When someone asked why a Harry Potter theme park was a better idea than a Les Mis theme park, a terrifying idea was spawned. And we were so loud that someone yelled at us from across the street.
(I didn't want to shame you guys by linking your names to this, but know that this is a collective piece of work from a lot of brilliant, twisted minds. All I really did was record it for posterity and future lulz. And if you don't mind being associated with this project, tell me what I left out! The conversation went on for ages and we were all half-dead.)
Entry Fee: Free with the donation of your hair and front teeth!
The Javert Ride: a log flume whose cars are all carved out in the shape of Javert, top hat and all, which you ride down a huge drop from a bridge into a river. And no, it doesn't come back up.
The Coaster of Stalkery: two versions of this were proposed. One involved three tracks representing Cosette, Marius, and Éponine, wherein three cars would be released from their stations at once and would all appear to be following each other. The other had tracks for Valjean, Marius, and Courfeyrac, with the same basic concept except that the Courfeyrac car never left the station as it doesn't want to follow a car which seems to be following a car.
The Boat Ride: a scenic tour of the Parisian sewers as described by Hugo. The poop, rats, and pickpockets are all real!
Child Care: an elephant with a hole torn between its front legs for easy access. Once inside, your child will love fighting off rats and huddling beneath a bit of chickenwire for safety!
The Éponine Ride: a lazy river down the Seine. If you have a functioning nose and have ever stood near the Seine, you're wincing right now.
Refreshment Cart: a pie stand, but watch out for Bamatabois! He's been known to knock people down with his walking stick and steal a slice of their pie.
The Barricade Ride: the sort of rollercoaster where your feet dangle and the people below try to shoot water guns at you. But instead of water guns, they're actual guns.
Enjolras Kissing Booth: if you can get past an enraged Grantaire and his broken-off bottle, you have the right to plant a kiss on those marble Adonis Apollo Sunshine lips. Beware of the lethal lasers that will immediately blast from Enjolras's eyes and into your skull. And Grantaire might just bury a bottle into your back before your head melts.
The Test of Strength: a coffin with only a few tiny air holes into which you will be placed and then partially buried. If you can get out, you win a stuffed urchin! If you can't get out, you suffocate.
Water Fountains: they will be positioned all over the park for the guests' convenience. However, only about a fifth of them will actually produce water. The rest will be Cholera Fountains.
Hugo's Ferris Wheel: Ride a model of the spinning corpse of Victor Hugo round and round his grave!
The Bishop's House: a nice place of rest, relaxation, and a full meal. You can also get a good night's sleep if you don't mind sharing a small bed in the alcove with any other guests. Stealing the silverware is advisable as it tends to lead to the best outcome somehow.
The Exit: If you've managed to make it this far, you're to be congratulated! However, in order to leave the park you must choose between sitting through every known cinematic version of Les Misérables or a recording of the entire Book being read aloud. With no breaks. Bathroom breaks are punishable by death.
If you make it out of the park, you are allowed to choose: royalist or republican? Royalists are then met by a waiting guillotine. For republicans, there will be a firing squad.
And the whole park will be powered by orphans and patrolled by handsome, murderous pickpockets.