Sep. 3rd, 2013 04:23 pm

Life-long dream realized.

Hello there.  So about a week ago I cut off all my hair.

Went from:


And the really weird thing about it is, I just don't care.  Like, I'm not all WAHHH MY LOOKS (because frankly I'm not 100% impressed with what the girl at the place did)... even while she was cutting it, I just felt totally removed from the situation.

I made the decision like four days before I did it.  Basically stress, using cheap dye for two years, and aggressive cheap shampoo had resulted in my hair just giving up and jumping ship.  The bathroom floor was covered in long red hairs and I woke up every morning with what felt like handfuls of it stuck down the back of my pyjama shirt and coming out in my brush.  It was terrifying.  Plus, the hair itself was all frazzled and split and pitiful from me forgoing regular trims for so long.

Everyone says things like "wow, were you nervous?" or "is it weird to make such a big change?"  The only weird thing was sitting in the barber chair and watching her unceremoniously hack off all that hair and remembering the time in high school when I cut my long hair down to shoulder-length.  I remember how panicked and weirded out I was.  This time... I'm just like meh, there it went.

Also, PSA, having short hair is amazing.  Showers are pretty much just ten-minute head massages.  Rubbing my hand across the shaved part feels really cool.  The back of my neck almost never gets sweaty.  My hair never gets caught in my purse strap.  Yeah.

Even better, I have yet to get ONE catcall since I got the haircut.  Might be from moving to a slightly better neighborhood, but either way I'm content.

I mean I know I had a shoulder-length bob for like five years, but the new haircut is way shorter, obviously.

I don't really want to go back to long hair (might buy a wig or two someday).  This cut isn't really my favorite, but I'm gonna grow it into more of a pixie cut that's randomly long on top.

Okay carry on.
lesmisloony: (Sylar and bubbles)
whoaaaaaa did not expect a new layout on lj... have they like EVER changed their layout in the history of my life???

ummm anyway okay

so i came by to say for those who didn't see my halloween costumes, here they are!

First I went to a family friend's party and I did my Ursula costume:


Then, in case any trick-or-treaters came by, I went with something a little simpler on Halloween night... Voldemort!

AVPM Voldemort, actually.

You like plotting a garden, and I like plotting to kill! )

There you have it! A month late but oh well.

I already know what I'm going to be next year, but I'm keeping it to myself in case the awesomeness in my mind is impossible irl. My future roomie is an awesome seamstress so I can enlist her help if need be... :D
lesmisloony: (Eels)
I did it again today, yay!

Since last time I managed to do five bouts of jogging, this time I hoped to make it to six. I also decided to actually count and make sure I was only walking ninety seconds between each of my sixty-second jogging episodes.

I was feeling pretty tired when I started my fourth jog, to the point where I was breathing really loudly and I knew my face was red as a mofo. My heart had barely settled to a less frightening pace before it was time to start the fifth one, and around the 35 second mark I knew not to push myself for a sixth lap. I was lightheaded and with every new step I just wanted to lie down on the ground in the middle of the park.

Then, surprise of surprises, after I did my last ninety seconds of walking and started my five minute cool-down walk home, I looked at my watch and saw that even though I hadn't pushed myself up to six "laps", I had somehow managed to repeat the process for twenty minutes rather than fifteen as I always did previously. Maybe I'm counting slower or something? But that means I actually did the week one jogging schedule and I survived!

I remembered to stretch my legs this time, and when I was going up the stairs to take my shower I didn't feel like I was on the verge of collapse like I usually do. My face was RED though, like hilariously red, which looks even weirder with my purple-y wine-colored hair.

The shower water felt icy on my face, head, shoulders, and arms, but sort of warm everywhere else, which I thought was really weird. Especially my face. But even now I'm not very sore and I feel all-around alert and good. It took my face an hour to cool down.

I don't know if the redness thing is just my complexion (my dad is ALWAYS red, true story) or if it's a reflection of how out-of-shape I've become after 23 years of avoiding anything that might be exercise. However, I love how every time I run, and this is only the third time, I see progress.

When I move in with my new host family I hope to run in the mornings three times a week, then shower, then eat breakfast. Of course, I don't want to come to the table with my silly red face.

I feel good, though. I feel like I'm pulling myself together and being an adult now. I'm figuring out what I want and who I want to impress (me) and how to take the next steps to live the life I want in the time I have.

Tomorrow the other people who live in this house are coming home (at least two of them are, that is) and I'm wondering how I'll act when I have other people to see me leave and then see me come back in my little running outfit and my scalding red face.

Oh, and if you don't believe that the redness thing is like RIDICULOUS (especially in a country of people with an olive skin tone that barely every fluctuates), I took a picture when I have evidence.

Here's me after the first time I went running (note that the skin on my face is literally the same color as my HOT PINK shirt):

And this is today:

The camera likes to change colors when it takes pictures, but just notice where the skin looks yellowish around my mouth and eyes... THAT'S my skin color. Geez, you can't even tell that my hair is borderline purple in the second picture... boo.
So I decided to recount some of my Troupe stalking stories that have happened so far in 2012!

Read more... )

So. Excuse me while I lie down on the floor and die.

I love this country.
Adam et Eve. What the hell is it about? That's a trick question. You may read the title of the show, "Adam et Eve", and think, Oh, that's easy, it's a show about Adam and Eve! Well, that's where you'd be wrong. In a way you're right, because it is definitely a show about two characters whose names are Adam and Eve, but not the ones you're thinking of. So... what is it, then?

Don't worry, English-speakers. I'm here (in Paris) for you.

Rien ne se fiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiit )

All in all... the songs were alright, the choreography was good, the sets were good, the singing was good, and the energy in the room was incredible, but the story was so weird and thin and I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd seen it told a hundred times before, so... in the end I'd say it's maybe something like a 6/10, with Dracula being a 5/10 and MOR being like a 9. But that's on my personal scale of happiness.

One year ago today I saw them for the first time. My hands were shaking so hard. I never imagined that one day I would speak to them. Or be kissed and hugged by them. Or have them use facebook to tease me.

And on Monday? Well, we all know what's going to happen Monday.


Flo definitely loved me. And Mikele must have too, but he just kind of falls in love with everyone the moment he meets them...

I have the best life. Even right now when I'm cramping and my white tights are all smudgy looking.

AMIRITE? I don't know many people who wouldn't trade their life for anything, but I am one of them. I bloody LOVE my life.
High-waisted shorts!

Read more... )

I know, I still can't take myself seriously in pictures... oh well. The point is high-waisted shorts! They're a tiny bit tight but they were the only pair in the entire store and they were on sale for $14 (marked down from something like $60) and I wanted some and didn't even know they existed so now I own them!
Me every year at Carowinds.

Read more... )

PS I know there is a picture from 2007 because I went with a bunch of people from my job... or maybe that was 2006.  No yeah, 2007 I went with friends from high school and there was no group photo, and the year before, 2006, I went with friends from my job.

Man I go to Carowinds a lot.

I have my paperwork now!  She says she DID send it the first time, so I guess it was originally lost in the mail? I don't really know, nor do I care.  What's important is that she got me a bunch of documents in ONE DAY.  FROM PARIS.  As long as I keep an eye out, we'll be fine. 

I also have a Da Ponte wig.


It's made of toilet paper rolls, black paint, yarn, and hot glue.  Aw yeah.


Aug. 16th, 2011 10:13 pm
Went shopping with Kelley today and bought three dresses, three bras, tights, and socks.  Good things to have.  Then we did a photoshoot.  I was doing a good job all day untilllll the photoshoot, when I basically started pouting and bitching because I couldn't take myself seriously enough to pose for any of the pictures and I felt really self-conscious and horrible about it.  I then proceeded to loathe every picture when I saw it in the camera.

I put the pictures on facebook anyway because Kelley made me, and once they were online they weren't so bad.  Here are my least favorite pictures of each outfit we took pictures of:

Read more... ) 

Anyway, that was my day.  I like my new clothes and stuff.  I just wish I liked me more consistently.
 A day with Kelley includes a whole lot of "You look so hot!" and "You're such a sexpot!" and other such things I had never heard before this past year.  KELLEY.  YOU ARE REALLY GOOD FOR MY SELF-ESTEEM.

If I ever mention this whole self-image thing to my mom she protests that my dad used to tell me I was pretty all the time.  But the thing is, he's my dad and he never said it seriously, it just seemed like a thing he said to fill silence so I never took it seriously or listened to the meaning of those words.

And today at the end of a long conversation with my mom I finally said, "Do you like my hair?"  She shrugged and went, "It's not as bad as I thought it would be.  Daddy doesn't hate it."  Fishing for a compliment I said, "I think it makes my eyes look bluer."  She wrinkled her nose and said, "Maybe, but you'd have to get your hair out of your eyes first.  Your bangs are too long."

She wasn't being rude or anything, she just doesn't really say unnecessarily complimentary things.  My mom has never complimented my looks before.  I know because they have been complimented so rarely that I remember every time.  Except with Kelley because she does it repeatedly on a daily basis.  KELLEY YOU ARE FIXING MY SOUL WITH YOUR OVERLY KIND WORDS.

One time I overheard that guy I dated when I was seventeen telling a mutual friend "she's so pretty!" and when he saw me standing there he blushed and tried to shut the door on me.  And one time my Frenchman called me "guapa," which was incredibly adorable of him.  This is why I love the dragueurs so much and the ooh là làs.  Also Mikele told me I had sexy eyes.  There.  That's every compliment that has ever been paid to me by a male human.

However.  The thing is.  I don't know where the line is between confident and vain.

There are pictures of me that I really like.  Usually I try to credit things like the lipstick I'm wearing or the fake lashes or whatever.  My brain keeps rejecting those pictures I posted the other day because I don't believe that I wasn't sucking my gut in, but I really wasn't.  I think I wasn't.  I remember forcing myself not to.  But that can't really be what I look like when I'm relaxed.  So I said it was because I was wearing a great bra.  I really don't see that body when I look in the mirror.  If I did, this would be a lot easier for me.

I recently lost fifty pounds, as most of you know.  That's about, what, 22 kilos or something?  It's a LOT of weight.  A huge difference.  I've always considered myself vastly overweight.  It was always my defining feature in my mind.  But I think I've always been wrong.  I think I've blown it way out of proportion due to my insecurities.

Today I really liked my outfit and I kept running to look at myself in the mirror before I left to work.  And at work I went to the bathroom to check it out.  I was hoping my mom would say something about it when she saw it, but she didn't.  Well, she asked why I was wearing knee socks if I had gone through the trouble of using an epilator.  I told her I just liked them, but actually it's one part Patrice Maktav tribute and five parts to hide the tattoo she doesn't know I have.  It's just not in her nature to bestow unnecessary compliments.  She's not cold or mean by any stretch of the imagination, just... practical, I guess.  She hasn't ever felt good about her own looks, so she doesn't point out others' features either.

I like my haircut, I like my outfit, I like being a little bit overly friendly with customers and watching the tip jar overflow.

My new hair color makes me feel really confident.  It's vixen hair and I'm a little bit obsessed with it.

Look at my hairrrrr

and my sonic screwdrivers

I was going to take a picture of my outfit today just because I liked it and it looked hot but I couldn't think of any justification for posting it.  I felt like it would look vain just to post a picture of myself for no reason.  The sonic screwdrivers feature in that picture up there just because I wanted a reason to post a better picture of my new hair color, so I did it under the guise of showing off my sonic screwdrivers.

This paranoia of vanity is only crippling me.

I want to get this obsession with self image sorted in the next twenty-seven days.

TWENTY-SEVEN DAYS!!!  That is such a short time!

In unrelated news, today I decided to get a new phone number when I get back to France.  There are two people from whom I no longer wish to receive texts, both of them... unbalanced... fans.  I'll text my new number to the people who won't cause me drama.


I am gonna be Ehreen and I am gonna be such a badass.  With vixen hair, an epilator, and two sonic screwdrivers.
 I'm trying really hard here.  I'm trying to believe that I'm fine the way I am, but even on the days when I wear tight clothes (I've been doing that a lot to try to force myself to own my belly rather than hide it) I look in the mirror and find myself thinking "I'll look great once I lose this little bit of weight!"

That's the thing, I picked up my mom's obsession with dieting but not her willpower to actually diet, so I live in a constant mindset of thinking I'm in the process of losing weight and striving for a specific goal.  I'm not.  Every time we go to Harris Teeter I eat at least four free cookies without blinking an eye.  I don't care enough to actually diet or exercise, so this is what I'm gonna look like.  I don't want to constantly worry about what I'm eating and whether or not it's going to make a number on a scale go up.

The problem is, in the way I've always seen the world, there's thin-as-a-model and fat.  No in-between.  It does make me feel better to see images of curvy girls (on tumblr) and I am in a much, much better place than I used to be, but I'm still not "there" yet.  And the problem is, I'm not sure what else I can do to get "there."

So I did this.

Read more... )


Aug. 10th, 2011 01:26 am
 1. I think my tattoo is finally starting to be itchy and have dead skin on it!  It never scabbed, but I don't bleed easily and it's just linework.  Next it has to peel and then I'll know if it's okay or needs a touchup AND I can stop having panic attacks every time it touches something!

2. Had a long conversation with my mother about sex and I finally understand why she holds her old-timey views and, more importantly, I firmly disagree with them and I know why I disagree with them!  I feel like I'm right and that's a huge relief.  For the first time, I honestly believe that I'm not making a mistake in my plans to loosen up a bit when I'm back in Paris.

3. Today I realized a life-long dream to dye my hair a dark shade of red that I think stems from being obsessed with Ariel as a child.  I like it.  And Kelley realized her dream of getting a pink streak in her hair after more than a year of wanting one.

Before hair:


After hair:


I'm a big fan of it.

4. I was wearing my tanktop again today, still trying to be confident and unapologetic.  Usually I expect people to give my belly weird looks but all that happens is guys stare at my boobs.  Awesome.  Today however, as we walked into a restaurant, a slutty sorority type finally lived up to my expectations and raised her eyebrows at my weight.  But I didn't feel ashamed like I thought I would when that moment came.  In fact, I wanted to take my bigass calzone stuffed with cheese and go sit next to her at her table and eat it there while she picked at her salad.  Bitch, you can judge my looks all you want, but in 31 days a hotass Frenchman is going to start texting me again and you are still going to be living in fucking Carrboro.  Enjoy your salad and your frat boys.

5. My epilator came in the mail.  It is definitely very sting-y, which is unpleasant but not impossible to deal with.  I'm not super happy with it because I did one leg and when I run my hand over it it feels quite scratchy.  Also there are red bumps but I'm sure they'll go away.  HOWEVER.  I used it on my underarms and it hurt like a mofo BUT. My underarms have never looked so hairless in my LIFE.  Hurray!  I don't know what the deal is with my leg though.  I got kind of emotionally exhausted after the leg and the armpits and I just called it quit for the night, so my other leg is still a jungle.  Does anyone on my flist find epilators to be a successful thing?  Do you have tips?

6. That man moved in.  He's very good at not being awkward, which makes me jealous.  I now live in the corner of the living room, but I'm extremely content with it.  I hate having too much space, and that whole room was unnecessary.  This corner makes more sense.  I like it here.

So here's me in my corner trying to model my tattoo...

Also, my hair.  I decided last night I wanted to dye it and today it's done.  I think now that I have a tattoo I've decided that nothing else is scary.
 I love my tattoo so much.  I can't stop looking at it.

Also, my Frenchman messaged me telling me to make sure I call him when I get to Paris.

I am really excited about both of these things but I cannot tell my mom about either one.


Pictures and videos of the tattoo experience to come!  Though since I've been posting the picture everwhere I figure I can go ahead and say



It hurt a lot, but I didn't mind.


And I wore a tanktop again! Hmph.
 Anyone who saw my tumblr today already knows this, but I thought I'd say it here, too.

I've decided to surround myself with pictures of confident, gorgeous, healthy women being hot and curvy.

You know how to convince yourself that curves are beautiful?  To actually see beautiful curvy women in the media sometimes and have someone to look up to.


I already feel better about myself than I ever have, and it's only been a day.

Being away from America and television for so long were helping me slowly form an appreciation for curvy women, so this is finally cementing it.  For the first time in my life I really might be able to believe that I don't have to look like a runway model because let's face it, I never will.  I've spent more than half of my life feeling ashamed of what I naturally look like and going on diets.  I'm only twenty-two years old.

It's not my body that's wrong, it's my mind.  I can fix it.

I'm sorry if you'd rather this be under a cut because the images are playing with your flist or whatever, because I have no intention of cutting it.  Images like this need to be reproduced everywhere for the sake of people like me and so younger people will know that they aren't wrong to look natural and they don't have to be ashamed.  I still can't imagine not being ashamed of my weight, but someday I might get there.
 For a little less than an hour, Mozart l'Opéra Rock has been over.

Nutella party and a slapdash costume under the cut )

This picture was posted to Merwan's official fanpage yesterday.


"Ça va, ne sois pas triste car nous avons nos poupées avec nous.. c'est un peu de toi avec nous!  Bisous!"  -Patrice Maktav, 25 March 2011
 I have a skype interview Monday!

Read more... )

Maybe I look a little saner now.  But hopefully also fun and loved?  Haha.

Omg I'm sleepy.  I had stress dreams all night about getting that last piece of the application turned in.
lesmisloony: (XD Shoujo Cosette)
The au pair people called me this morning!!

I'm filling out an application!  They said they loved my enthusiasm.


She said all reluctantly that a lot of families want an au pair to stay more than six months, like maybe ten months, and I was like YES PLEASE CAN I STAY EVEN LONGER? and she seemed really pleased and said all bemusedly that under the au pair visa you can stay two years and some students do and I was like THAT THAT THAT

Anyway so she sent the application and one part of that is that they want you to send up to eight recent pictures of yourself--alone, with family and friends, maybe with children if possible.  So I decided to showcase my lack of shame and I picked these pictures... do I look fun or like a crazy person?

Under the cut ) 

I think I'd add little blurbs somewhere explaining who I'm with and stuff, like one is with my professors and one is with an actor named Yamin Dib... you know.



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