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lesmisloonyI'm kind of falling apart. Maybe all this tour stalking has finally caught up to me. Obviously my personal life has me on an emotional rollercoaster again and I'm constantly at war with myself over my decisions and that's just concerning me and myself and my choices.
I thoroughly detest being a student. Frankly I'm awesome in French class. I finish tests in a matter of minutes and get the highest scores while everyone else spends the whole two hours agonising and I just sit there drinking Wallace Fountain water and doodling MOR pictures in my notes. Every day I care less about going to class. I haven't been on time in weeks, but lately I've started leaving the house after class has already started. There's only one week left. I really need to pull myself together. I don't even pretend to care how late I am anymore either. I used to at least run up escalators and stuff when I was running late but now... I mean, I show up somewhere between thirty minutes and an hour late every day for the two hour class. The professor just kind of sighs and shakes her head because she's the one who sees my grades and sees how quickly I finish assignments. I'm the only person in the class who really uses the French we study and who practises in real life, and boy do I. I'm not supposed to ever miss my literature class, but it started ten minutes ago and I'm still in my pyjamas. Guess I'm not going. Again. I haven't bought the book we've been reading though, so it's not like I'd know what to say if I was there. However, there are only four students in the class including me and the professor is the guy who's in charge of this entire program I'm in. I'm always late to that class too. I was better last semester. I missed one class the whole time and it was to go see the Troupe perform live at the Virgin Megastore. The first time I saw them in person. I was so light-headed and I was shaking so hard... I never thought one day they'd know my name and Flo would like it when I bully him on facebook.
I'm an AWESOME groupie. I'm a terrible student. I think I've found my calling in life.
Here's the big student-y dilemma. My politics class. I failed the midterm SPECTACULARLY and there are only two more grades: a twelve-page paper and the final exam. However, I just learned that all the credit I get here in France becomes pass/fail, meaning anything over a C transfers back to my university as hours and anything below... doesn't. That's all. It doesn't show up on my transcript as a failing grade or anything. If I pass all my classes I get thirty hours of credit. If I fail politics, I get twenty-seven. I need twenty-three to graduate. Also, there's a paper due in the one class I DO need the day after the politics paper is due. That's the paper I need to focus on. I know failing a class is supposed to be unacceptable, but I feel like writing twelve pages of terrible BS and taking away time I could be spending on the paper I actually do need is a much worse decision. Basically, I don't think I'm going to try to write that paper. I might sit through the final exam, but just for the lulz. I don't see the point in passing that class. Just me personally, if I was the professor (he already knows I'm an idiot) I'd rather not read and have to grade twelve pages of utter crap. And since I'm the student I'd rather not WRITE twelve pages of utter crap. Did I mention the paper is due Monday and I'm leaving for the weekend? Yeah.
Yet when I show up at the hoteldoor I feel like the best person ever. I recognise almost all of the hardcore fans and I like them all (even though they don't seem to like each other). I love using bus maps to find my way around a new town and I love that moment when I use the strange key to open the door to my hotel room and see where I'll be crashing for the next two nights. I love dozing off with my mouth open on the train. I love that funny noise the machine makes when I stick my train ticket in and I love handing the contrôleur my carte 12-25. I always come home with new French phrases and new facebook friends and, most importantly, flotos. The Troupe knows me, a bunch of them call me by name, at least two of them have read my lj and at least one regularly stalks my facebook. Three have tried to get me free tickets to the show. As for the fans, in Rouen some of them wanted pictures with ME, one told me she could find me a job if I ever wanted to come back to France, several have told me I'm welcome to stay with them if I ever need a roof over my head in various cities, all of them are willing to give me rides in their car when my hotel is an hour and a half away on foot... People want to buy dolls from me, people try to commission other knitted stuff, it's ridiculous.
Maybe that's why I've completely stopped caring about classes. My friends back home just graduated and I'm stuck in class limbo for a few more weeks. And then I have to start real life and I have to just go to work every day and pay bills and reread my own lj entries and remember that for one year in France I was a legend. For one year in France my life was indescribable. For one year I lived in fangirl heaven.
For anybody who was with me when I left for Christmas break, when I thought that without the Palais des Sports every night my world was over... get ready for all that angst to crank up again. Times a hundred.
I thoroughly detest being a student. Frankly I'm awesome in French class. I finish tests in a matter of minutes and get the highest scores while everyone else spends the whole two hours agonising and I just sit there drinking Wallace Fountain water and doodling MOR pictures in my notes. Every day I care less about going to class. I haven't been on time in weeks, but lately I've started leaving the house after class has already started. There's only one week left. I really need to pull myself together. I don't even pretend to care how late I am anymore either. I used to at least run up escalators and stuff when I was running late but now... I mean, I show up somewhere between thirty minutes and an hour late every day for the two hour class. The professor just kind of sighs and shakes her head because she's the one who sees my grades and sees how quickly I finish assignments. I'm the only person in the class who really uses the French we study and who practises in real life, and boy do I. I'm not supposed to ever miss my literature class, but it started ten minutes ago and I'm still in my pyjamas. Guess I'm not going. Again. I haven't bought the book we've been reading though, so it's not like I'd know what to say if I was there. However, there are only four students in the class including me and the professor is the guy who's in charge of this entire program I'm in. I'm always late to that class too. I was better last semester. I missed one class the whole time and it was to go see the Troupe perform live at the Virgin Megastore. The first time I saw them in person. I was so light-headed and I was shaking so hard... I never thought one day they'd know my name and Flo would like it when I bully him on facebook.
I'm an AWESOME groupie. I'm a terrible student. I think I've found my calling in life.
Here's the big student-y dilemma. My politics class. I failed the midterm SPECTACULARLY and there are only two more grades: a twelve-page paper and the final exam. However, I just learned that all the credit I get here in France becomes pass/fail, meaning anything over a C transfers back to my university as hours and anything below... doesn't. That's all. It doesn't show up on my transcript as a failing grade or anything. If I pass all my classes I get thirty hours of credit. If I fail politics, I get twenty-seven. I need twenty-three to graduate. Also, there's a paper due in the one class I DO need the day after the politics paper is due. That's the paper I need to focus on. I know failing a class is supposed to be unacceptable, but I feel like writing twelve pages of terrible BS and taking away time I could be spending on the paper I actually do need is a much worse decision. Basically, I don't think I'm going to try to write that paper. I might sit through the final exam, but just for the lulz. I don't see the point in passing that class. Just me personally, if I was the professor (he already knows I'm an idiot) I'd rather not read and have to grade twelve pages of utter crap. And since I'm the student I'd rather not WRITE twelve pages of utter crap. Did I mention the paper is due Monday and I'm leaving for the weekend? Yeah.
Yet when I show up at the hoteldoor I feel like the best person ever. I recognise almost all of the hardcore fans and I like them all (even though they don't seem to like each other). I love using bus maps to find my way around a new town and I love that moment when I use the strange key to open the door to my hotel room and see where I'll be crashing for the next two nights. I love dozing off with my mouth open on the train. I love that funny noise the machine makes when I stick my train ticket in and I love handing the contrôleur my carte 12-25. I always come home with new French phrases and new facebook friends and, most importantly, flotos. The Troupe knows me, a bunch of them call me by name, at least two of them have read my lj and at least one regularly stalks my facebook. Three have tried to get me free tickets to the show. As for the fans, in Rouen some of them wanted pictures with ME, one told me she could find me a job if I ever wanted to come back to France, several have told me I'm welcome to stay with them if I ever need a roof over my head in various cities, all of them are willing to give me rides in their car when my hotel is an hour and a half away on foot... People want to buy dolls from me, people try to commission other knitted stuff, it's ridiculous.
Maybe that's why I've completely stopped caring about classes. My friends back home just graduated and I'm stuck in class limbo for a few more weeks. And then I have to start real life and I have to just go to work every day and pay bills and reread my own lj entries and remember that for one year in France I was a legend. For one year in France my life was indescribable. For one year I lived in fangirl heaven.
For anybody who was with me when I left for Christmas break, when I thought that without the Palais des Sports every night my world was over... get ready for all that angst to crank up again. Times a hundred.
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no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 01:16 pm (UTC)I am the worst person to advise anyone when it comes to school (because I am a slacker and wasting potential all the time) but if you really don't need to pass that politics class, I don't see why you should spend your time writing 12 pages of something you don't find useful. Showing in important classes on time, however, wouldn't hurt.
As for the fangirl part of crisis...something beautiful ends and the fact you're sad about it only means you enjoyed it. You will always know you did something that counts. And remember, other fans won't magically forget about you the second you leave France. You weren't legend, you ARE one. And that is not going to change when it's all over.
And maybe life has something even better for you, hm? New places and new people. As they say, who knows what tomorrow may bring...
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 01:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 03:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 03:32 pm (UTC)And like yvonnejanvier says, better stuff can come after college too! It has its downs but it has its ups too. And look at it this way - even if you stayed in France the show tour isn't gonna last forever. And you can always go back one day if you wanted.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 04:13 pm (UTC)Your exams etc. If you feel this paper isn't gonna get you through then concentrate the best you can with what you know you can succeed with. You know what you can and cannot do, all the best with it!
Who else from MOR has read your lj? I know Flo did, Patrice maybe?
You've made quiet a life for yourself there and yeah it'll be difficult to leave. I can relate to that too. But once you graduate you might decide to return to France. It's not impossible for you :)
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 07:07 pm (UTC)In Rouen he said he read my review of him as Nunozart in Bruxelles and he was like "I got part of the way in and I went, 'Oh, this is Ehr-ron!'" It was amazing. And then I had to run back to my hotel and lock some more posts... :/
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 07:54 pm (UTC)How on earth did THAT happen? Has Flo been spreading the word or something?
I hope he liked your review, Think it would have been a bit too late to begin locking posts though lol
I'd been thinking about posting the link to your review on the tumblr blog, Would you mind if I did?
no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 01:30 pm (UTC)I always feel bad if I let the tiniest thing slip, but sometimes you just have to let things go. I mean, sometimes getting a B, but not stressing yourself out for a whole week is better than the A.