Erin RUTH (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lesmisloony) wrote2010-10-29 01:22 am
lesmisloony) wrote2010-10-29 01:22 am
Entry tags:
This is the last thing I want to say about this.
Okay, I'm all argued out. I think I've made all the points I needed to make in various comments and replies and things.
Here is my summary, and after I click "post" I will do everything in my power to never even reference this fandom explosion again and let it just blow over.
Abaissé is still my favourite Les Mis forum and was my absolute favourite website for the first three years of college. Some of the best fandom jokes came from users posting on Abaissé, along with some of my favourite works of art and, most fun of all, Barricade Day. Plus the rant thread has been an absolute blessing to my mental health while I went through some of the hardest, most drama-filled days of my life.
The first time I felt rejected by Abaissé was a couple of years ago when I found out there actually was an official cool kids section. I ultimately decided just to be flattered to have been invited and I went on living my life. No one on Abaissé ever directly hurt my feelings, but while I was at Barricade Day last June I became convinced that I was really getting on everyone's nerves. The fangirl all-nighter with the theme park was my favourite part of the trip, but immediately after that I started getting really nervous that the other girls present thought I was stupid. In fact, I think I (being a loudmouth who can't keep any thoughts to myself) may have introduced myself as "the stupid one in the group" to someone at one point, only to be kindly corrected by another fan nearby. As Despard says, this perception is my own fault and doesn't reflect the actions of the group.
I only felt worse about myself as the week went on--I was especially worried that I was driving Despard's kind friend crazy by flooding the kitchen with the dishwasher and letting other fans and their suitcases into the apartment at random times during the day and night without explaining that they weren't trying to move in. On my last day I made a joke about wanting reimbursement for a band-aid and was met by another fan with some kind of "no one owes you anything" answer that really shook me. I hadn't gone out to the pub with the rest of the group the last night, and after that conversation I got this paranoid idea that because I wasn't there everyone had gotten the chance to complain about me.
ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I know you guys are not terrible people, but you have to remember that I was just coming out of some really abusive "friendships" wherein being trashtalked was more common than having a straightforward conversation. I used to stand outside the door to my only friends' room and listen to them making fun of me while I tried to hold back my tears. That was my life with those people. It wasn't the fault of the Les Mis fans that my mind was in such a weird place. I even knew in the midst of all that self-doubt that I was being silly, but that didn't mean I didn't worry.
I felt like everyone there had so many ways to connect, talking about nineteenth-century philosophy and politics and actually enjoying something other than facetious comments at museums. Even though my overall memory of Barricade Day was extremely positive, I was in such a low place when I left that I actually spent the next day crying in my room to the point where my mother asked if she should get me counselling. And none of this is anyone's fault (though I like to place the blame on those terrible college "friends" just because, even a full year later, I am still very, very angry with them).
I think I documented that breakdown on livejournal, but I may have pretended I was upset about something else just because I didn't want anyone to think I was upset with them--I wasn't really, I was just... unbalanced, kind of. And after that I just didn't have as much fun going to Abaissé anymore.
I assumed it would only be a few days, and then I assumed it would only be a few weeks, but I've been in Paris for about two months now and I only visited the page once when I was thinking about asking where that costume shop was that we saw closed up on a Sunday.
Because since this summer, I've continued to work on who I am in a rather Cartesian manner. I--that's me, Loony, not anyone else from Abaissé, but *I*--have always been an elitist. When I was a kid I refused to listen to boy bands and such because I preferred to listen to my parent's AM Gold CD's and tell people that I only liked seventies music. I was basically a baby hipster or something equally shameful. Now that I'm getting in touch with pop culture and reality I find that I crippled myself, because all of my friends can connect over music they listened to in childhood whereas I only have a vague memory of a refrain or two by the Backstreet Boys.
As if it wasn't enough to be a baby elitist, my mother was a drama teacher who introduced me to musicals, which led to Les Misérables. Even worse, I went through a phase where I wanted to be a filmmaker and I spent the first two years of my college career working in an Indy cinema. I didn't have a chance! When I go back and see the way I used to treat silly people or new members or people who hadn't read a two thousand page book, I cringe and feel bad about myself. If anybody in our fandom has ever done anything elitist, it was totally me.
And then came Twilight and Kiera and an epiphany: I actually kind of *enjoyed* cringing at things that sucked. It wasn't until a friend at school told me we should pay for Twilight tickets because we enjoyed laughing at the first one so much that I realised I had been going about it all wrong. I had always rolled my eyes and loathed anyone who declared that sparkling chastity was dreamy when I could have been laughing at Robert Pattinson's acting until I cried. I realised that laughing was so much more fun than hating.
And that's the way I live my life now, or I try to. When I go to the theatre, I bypass dimly-lit film festival darlings and go straight for the latest cheesy, formulaic blockbuster. When my friend says she loves Twilight, I ask why she isn't Team Jacob instead of writing her off as a lesser life form.
This is new to me. Because I've only behaved this way for about a year, whereas I spent about twenty others judging people around me and trying to be better than everyone else, I haven't yet perfected my behaviour. I also overreact to anything that reminds me of the life I used to lead--in French class, for example, when we begin talking about popular cinema I got so miserable that I started doodling in my margins and didn't participate in the discussion for the next three days. Right now, film elitism (that's FILM elitism, like hipster kids--this part of the story has nothing to do with Les Mis) deeply offends me because it's a little too close to home. Someday I'll learn to unwind a little and accept those people for who they are, but right now I'm still too new at all this.
So that's where I am right now. I'm trying out a new lifestyle, and so far it is making me happier and more independent and more confident than I've ever been, but I haven't gotten it under control yet to the point where I don't occasionally overreact when I worry someone might push me back in the direction I came from.
This is what I was going through when I noticed what was going on at Abaissé. You're absolutely right in saying my reaction was completely out of line. Sometimes I get really worked up over the weirdest things and a long, rambly blog message comes out. Next time when I fear I'm overreacting I will make the post invisible to everyone but me for a few days just to make sure I have the full context.
I had not seen the full wiki, or if I had I didn't really remember it. I was conscious of the fact that there were bits that seemed... aggressive?... and there were parts with which I strongly disagreed, but I was so buried in the pages I had created that I didn't worry too much about the others. I also hadn't paid a lot of attention to it since about a month after its creation, so if things were getting worse I had no idea.
I also hadn't paid any attention to Abaissé, so out of any sort of context and knowing when I went in that someone had been hurt, the contents of that thread really did look like an attack. And since a lot of you were present when the wiki started, it didn't make any sense to me.
Basically, I heard a rumour that something bad had happened and I kicked down the door with my guns blazing. Or, better yet, I stood in the next room, drew a picture of the door, and kicked that down without actually entering anywhere. But I obviously didn't have information to justify the gunfire.
I still don't feel that Abaissé is the right place for me in my current state of mind, and I still think that that thread about the wiki got out of hand almost immediately. Overall, I don't think my emotions from my previous post on this subject have really changed at all, though I'm less outraged and more... wary, I guess. This is my level-headed retelling of the exact same story, but with an explanation of my personal perspective.
One thing I do like is the way so many people were able to calmly communicate why my statements were hurtful or why the statements about the wiki were hurtful or why the wiki itself was hurtful without a lot of namecalling and falling out. I know I've been arguing with a few of you over the past day or so, but I can say with complete, total honesty that I still have exactly the same amount of affection I had for each person before this all started--even more for some of you--and believe me, that's a lot of affection. I owe a lot to Abaissé and I'm glad there's a place where such niggling details can be discussed to such an extent. It's an intelligent, beneficial, well-managed faction of the Les Mis fandom. If something like this happened in any other fandom, there's no way it could have gone on so long without somebody getting immature.
So I still love you guys and I still love Victor Hugo. And I especially still love Les Misérables. I just thought I owed you guys an explanation and an apology before I stopped paying this little fiasco any attention in hopes it will just blow over already.
Here is my summary, and after I click "post" I will do everything in my power to never even reference this fandom explosion again and let it just blow over.
Abaissé is still my favourite Les Mis forum and was my absolute favourite website for the first three years of college. Some of the best fandom jokes came from users posting on Abaissé, along with some of my favourite works of art and, most fun of all, Barricade Day. Plus the rant thread has been an absolute blessing to my mental health while I went through some of the hardest, most drama-filled days of my life.
The first time I felt rejected by Abaissé was a couple of years ago when I found out there actually was an official cool kids section. I ultimately decided just to be flattered to have been invited and I went on living my life. No one on Abaissé ever directly hurt my feelings, but while I was at Barricade Day last June I became convinced that I was really getting on everyone's nerves. The fangirl all-nighter with the theme park was my favourite part of the trip, but immediately after that I started getting really nervous that the other girls present thought I was stupid. In fact, I think I (being a loudmouth who can't keep any thoughts to myself) may have introduced myself as "the stupid one in the group" to someone at one point, only to be kindly corrected by another fan nearby. As Despard says, this perception is my own fault and doesn't reflect the actions of the group.
I only felt worse about myself as the week went on--I was especially worried that I was driving Despard's kind friend crazy by flooding the kitchen with the dishwasher and letting other fans and their suitcases into the apartment at random times during the day and night without explaining that they weren't trying to move in. On my last day I made a joke about wanting reimbursement for a band-aid and was met by another fan with some kind of "no one owes you anything" answer that really shook me. I hadn't gone out to the pub with the rest of the group the last night, and after that conversation I got this paranoid idea that because I wasn't there everyone had gotten the chance to complain about me.
ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I know you guys are not terrible people, but you have to remember that I was just coming out of some really abusive "friendships" wherein being trashtalked was more common than having a straightforward conversation. I used to stand outside the door to my only friends' room and listen to them making fun of me while I tried to hold back my tears. That was my life with those people. It wasn't the fault of the Les Mis fans that my mind was in such a weird place. I even knew in the midst of all that self-doubt that I was being silly, but that didn't mean I didn't worry.
I felt like everyone there had so many ways to connect, talking about nineteenth-century philosophy and politics and actually enjoying something other than facetious comments at museums. Even though my overall memory of Barricade Day was extremely positive, I was in such a low place when I left that I actually spent the next day crying in my room to the point where my mother asked if she should get me counselling. And none of this is anyone's fault (though I like to place the blame on those terrible college "friends" just because, even a full year later, I am still very, very angry with them).
I think I documented that breakdown on livejournal, but I may have pretended I was upset about something else just because I didn't want anyone to think I was upset with them--I wasn't really, I was just... unbalanced, kind of. And after that I just didn't have as much fun going to Abaissé anymore.
I assumed it would only be a few days, and then I assumed it would only be a few weeks, but I've been in Paris for about two months now and I only visited the page once when I was thinking about asking where that costume shop was that we saw closed up on a Sunday.
Because since this summer, I've continued to work on who I am in a rather Cartesian manner. I--that's me, Loony, not anyone else from Abaissé, but *I*--have always been an elitist. When I was a kid I refused to listen to boy bands and such because I preferred to listen to my parent's AM Gold CD's and tell people that I only liked seventies music. I was basically a baby hipster or something equally shameful. Now that I'm getting in touch with pop culture and reality I find that I crippled myself, because all of my friends can connect over music they listened to in childhood whereas I only have a vague memory of a refrain or two by the Backstreet Boys.
As if it wasn't enough to be a baby elitist, my mother was a drama teacher who introduced me to musicals, which led to Les Misérables. Even worse, I went through a phase where I wanted to be a filmmaker and I spent the first two years of my college career working in an Indy cinema. I didn't have a chance! When I go back and see the way I used to treat silly people or new members or people who hadn't read a two thousand page book, I cringe and feel bad about myself. If anybody in our fandom has ever done anything elitist, it was totally me.
And then came Twilight and Kiera and an epiphany: I actually kind of *enjoyed* cringing at things that sucked. It wasn't until a friend at school told me we should pay for Twilight tickets because we enjoyed laughing at the first one so much that I realised I had been going about it all wrong. I had always rolled my eyes and loathed anyone who declared that sparkling chastity was dreamy when I could have been laughing at Robert Pattinson's acting until I cried. I realised that laughing was so much more fun than hating.
And that's the way I live my life now, or I try to. When I go to the theatre, I bypass dimly-lit film festival darlings and go straight for the latest cheesy, formulaic blockbuster. When my friend says she loves Twilight, I ask why she isn't Team Jacob instead of writing her off as a lesser life form.
This is new to me. Because I've only behaved this way for about a year, whereas I spent about twenty others judging people around me and trying to be better than everyone else, I haven't yet perfected my behaviour. I also overreact to anything that reminds me of the life I used to lead--in French class, for example, when we begin talking about popular cinema I got so miserable that I started doodling in my margins and didn't participate in the discussion for the next three days. Right now, film elitism (that's FILM elitism, like hipster kids--this part of the story has nothing to do with Les Mis) deeply offends me because it's a little too close to home. Someday I'll learn to unwind a little and accept those people for who they are, but right now I'm still too new at all this.
So that's where I am right now. I'm trying out a new lifestyle, and so far it is making me happier and more independent and more confident than I've ever been, but I haven't gotten it under control yet to the point where I don't occasionally overreact when I worry someone might push me back in the direction I came from.
This is what I was going through when I noticed what was going on at Abaissé. You're absolutely right in saying my reaction was completely out of line. Sometimes I get really worked up over the weirdest things and a long, rambly blog message comes out. Next time when I fear I'm overreacting I will make the post invisible to everyone but me for a few days just to make sure I have the full context.
I had not seen the full wiki, or if I had I didn't really remember it. I was conscious of the fact that there were bits that seemed... aggressive?... and there were parts with which I strongly disagreed, but I was so buried in the pages I had created that I didn't worry too much about the others. I also hadn't paid a lot of attention to it since about a month after its creation, so if things were getting worse I had no idea.
I also hadn't paid any attention to Abaissé, so out of any sort of context and knowing when I went in that someone had been hurt, the contents of that thread really did look like an attack. And since a lot of you were present when the wiki started, it didn't make any sense to me.
Basically, I heard a rumour that something bad had happened and I kicked down the door with my guns blazing. Or, better yet, I stood in the next room, drew a picture of the door, and kicked that down without actually entering anywhere. But I obviously didn't have information to justify the gunfire.
I still don't feel that Abaissé is the right place for me in my current state of mind, and I still think that that thread about the wiki got out of hand almost immediately. Overall, I don't think my emotions from my previous post on this subject have really changed at all, though I'm less outraged and more... wary, I guess. This is my level-headed retelling of the exact same story, but with an explanation of my personal perspective.
One thing I do like is the way so many people were able to calmly communicate why my statements were hurtful or why the statements about the wiki were hurtful or why the wiki itself was hurtful without a lot of namecalling and falling out. I know I've been arguing with a few of you over the past day or so, but I can say with complete, total honesty that I still have exactly the same amount of affection I had for each person before this all started--even more for some of you--and believe me, that's a lot of affection. I owe a lot to Abaissé and I'm glad there's a place where such niggling details can be discussed to such an extent. It's an intelligent, beneficial, well-managed faction of the Les Mis fandom. If something like this happened in any other fandom, there's no way it could have gone on so long without somebody getting immature.
So I still love you guys and I still love Victor Hugo. And I especially still love Les Misérables. I just thought I owed you guys an explanation and an apology before I stopped paying this little fiasco any attention in hopes it will just blow over already.