:/

[lesmisloony]

 I don't like how one little thing can set me off and give me a bad feeling for the rest of the day.  Maybe once I get back to France I can pick up where I left off and maybe I'll be able to feel good about myself most of the time and not just every once in a while.

Apparently the host family liked my dossier and the next step is for them to contact me directly.  I've gotten kind of attached to the concept of these three kids, but not as attached as I am to the concept of having my own apartment in the 13th arrondissement.  Yeah, I'll be getting up early and bundling three kids off to school, then picking them up later and spending most of the afternoon entertaining them, not to mention a bunch of housework on Wednesdays and stuff, but I'm suffering here with nothing to do with my life.  I think I've used the word "directionless" in every entry.  If I wasn't working toward getting back to Paris I think I'd have gone kind of crazy weeks ago.

Maybe I play the Sims too often and now I just always expect to have an achievable goal in sight.  It was easy as a groupie: every weekend I went to another city and accomplished so many things on my own--hotels, trains, teeny moments endearing myself to the famous people I love and admire--but here I go days at a time without leaving the apartment.  I don't want to leave.  Every time I open the door the humidity grosses me out and I just want to go back inside and lie down some more.  I only go out to go to work, and then I come straight home and get right back online.  Yesterday I turned the computer off long enough to watch Amadeus (sobbed my way through all the scenes that made me think of Da Ponte) and halfway through the movie I got an urge to get back online.

I know I can be awesome and I know I enjoy it.  I like challenges that I have to overcome, like speaking French on a daily basis or getting the name of the Troupe's hotel.  I don't like sitting around trying to think of something to do.

I'm sorry to every single person who's had to talk to me this summer, online or in person.  I can't talk or think about anything but Patrice Maktav.  I wish I could for everyone's sake.  I know how easy it is for me to cling to something like this and lose touch with rationality, but when you've done the things I've done, at what point are you being unrealistic?

I need something to do, but at the same time I don't want to do anything.  It's 9:30 and I've already put on my pyjamas and gotten in bed.

Comments

[caliypsoe.livejournal.com]

If it's certain you're going back to France, I don't think it's unrealistic to hold on to your Patrice thoughts. =) (Hell, even if you weren't it wouldn't be unrealistic.)
It's obvious he makes you really really happy and if you're going back, I say keep talking to him and see what happens. =) Nothing is impossible. (Seriously, look at all the brilliant things that have happened to you so far over there!)

[mightyniche.livejournal.com]

Why would you want an apartment on the outskirts?

(The outskirts? 13th Arr.?)

Pretty much.

Anyway, I'm sympathetic. Great city, great challenges. Very expensive, though, and getting even more expensive. That's the part that disappoints me each time I go.

Check out my little video story about Paris:

http://youtu.be/KpdLzbQH0oM

[whenisitmyturn.livejournal.com]

Girrrrrl why you dissin going to bed early?!? :P

I'm sorry you're not happy. I know how you feel (in a way.. the directionless part (not the Paris part)) and the only real solution is to make your life interesting. I realize that is probably shit advice since we live in the most disgusting climate ever right now and you don't have much hope of transportation... but you need to find an activity. Even if its something like watching a new tv show.. (that's what I do when I'm bored).. Just something that is enough to occupy yourself. Or perhaps you could make that girl that doll. Money will happen if you do that! OR you could start thinking of fun activities and stuff you can do with Nil & the gang! That might be fun! :)

The thing for me is, I am happier if I am working towards a long term goal. Which, you are right now! (And so am I!) That's what's helping me deal with stress and exhaustion and stuff. lol. I'm just powering through because I know that Italy will be worth it. And you are working towards Paris! And that is frickin awesome.

I am probably not helping at all. But I do love you a lot, and I want you to be happy. :)

[ulkis.livejournal.com]

But you'd want to go back to Paris even if PM was off in Greenland, right?

[angely78.livejournal.com]

I know. I'm.... if you've looked over any of my entries (and you've given me ehugs, so I know you have) you know roughly what's going on with me lately (and I like you lots, so I have no problem with you knowing what's going on with me lately) and how horribly cut-off and directionless and just.... blah.... I am. I can't even bring myself to post long entries anymore because I'm constantly getting ragged on for being on the 'Net at all, or not having a better job, or not taking care of my little Aloysia-mimic of a daughter or not having enough hours at the job I have, and on and on and on..... on top of the Husband-Gone-Wrong situation. And other things. So anyway, point was (I had one, I swear) I feel you. And I empathize LIEKWHOA.

[yvonnejanvier.livejournal.com]

Being bored is the worst thing in the whole world. It makes everything feel worse than it already feels, especially any kind of sadness.
I'm sorry I can't be any help. I suck at beating both boredom and sadness :-/

Stay strong, once you'll be back in Paris, these feelings will be gone.
Be brave like Mikele!