:/

[lesmisloony]

 I don't like how one little thing can set me off and give me a bad feeling for the rest of the day.  Maybe once I get back to France I can pick up where I left off and maybe I'll be able to feel good about myself most of the time and not just every once in a while.

Apparently the host family liked my dossier and the next step is for them to contact me directly.  I've gotten kind of attached to the concept of these three kids, but not as attached as I am to the concept of having my own apartment in the 13th arrondissement.  Yeah, I'll be getting up early and bundling three kids off to school, then picking them up later and spending most of the afternoon entertaining them, not to mention a bunch of housework on Wednesdays and stuff, but I'm suffering here with nothing to do with my life.  I think I've used the word "directionless" in every entry.  If I wasn't working toward getting back to Paris I think I'd have gone kind of crazy weeks ago.

Maybe I play the Sims too often and now I just always expect to have an achievable goal in sight.  It was easy as a groupie: every weekend I went to another city and accomplished so many things on my own--hotels, trains, teeny moments endearing myself to the famous people I love and admire--but here I go days at a time without leaving the apartment.  I don't want to leave.  Every time I open the door the humidity grosses me out and I just want to go back inside and lie down some more.  I only go out to go to work, and then I come straight home and get right back online.  Yesterday I turned the computer off long enough to watch Amadeus (sobbed my way through all the scenes that made me think of Da Ponte) and halfway through the movie I got an urge to get back online.

I know I can be awesome and I know I enjoy it.  I like challenges that I have to overcome, like speaking French on a daily basis or getting the name of the Troupe's hotel.  I don't like sitting around trying to think of something to do.

I'm sorry to every single person who's had to talk to me this summer, online or in person.  I can't talk or think about anything but Patrice Maktav.  I wish I could for everyone's sake.  I know how easy it is for me to cling to something like this and lose touch with rationality, but when you've done the things I've done, at what point are you being unrealistic?

I need something to do, but at the same time I don't want to do anything.  It's 9:30 and I've already put on my pyjamas and gotten in bed.

Comments

[caliypsoe.livejournal.com]

If it's certain you're going back to France, I don't think it's unrealistic to hold on to your Patrice thoughts. =) (Hell, even if you weren't it wouldn't be unrealistic.)
It's obvious he makes you really really happy and if you're going back, I say keep talking to him and see what happens. =) Nothing is impossible. (Seriously, look at all the brilliant things that have happened to you so far over there!)

[lesmisloony.livejournal.com]

I just put you on a filter you apparently weren't on before, in case you get bored with your awesome Disney life and want to see some more gossip before the distant day when I finish my groupie memoir. :)

[caliypsoe.livejournal.com]

Omg that icon! =D And I looovvveee gossip! ^_^

By the way, I have a Patrice of my own now! A performer, shy, a bit socially awkward. I've definitely thought "What would Erin do" a few times while trying to work my inception and get him to ask me out. XD

[lesmisloony.livejournal.com]

lol well, in my very limited experience, they're pretty dumb and the best thing you can do is find out they'd be willing to sleep with you, gather up your courage and tell 'em where you stand. Even the most giantest hints weren't enough in my situation, but once I came out and said words things got interesting for me.

LOVE the shy socially-awkward ones, words can't even express. You might notice a lot more entries tagged "maktavstic", by the by.

[caliypsoe.livejournal.com]

Well, he's already asked me to hang out sometime....so it's start. But he's tried to do it like three times now. It wasn't until I prompted him that he could actually get the damn words out. >.>

Lol agreed! The shy socially-awkward ones are the best! XD

[lesmisloony.livejournal.com]

Awwwww that is so cute gah. I love the insecure ones.

[caliypsoe.livejournal.com]

Cute, yes...but you also want to shake them and be all like "Bro, I'm coming to see *your* show. You're supposed to ask me out..."

[mightyniche.livejournal.com]

Why would you want an apartment on the outskirts?

(The outskirts? 13th Arr.?)

Pretty much.

Anyway, I'm sympathetic. Great city, great challenges. Very expensive, though, and getting even more expensive. That's the part that disappoints me each time I go.

Check out my little video story about Paris:

http://youtu.be/KpdLzbQH0oM

[lesmisloony.livejournal.com]

Hey, if you knew anything about me or even read any of the rest of this whiny-ass entry with a basic level of comprehension you wouldn't have had to have asked such a stupid question, though I admit you're doing a slightly more classy job of spamming your video around than a bot would. Good luck trolling for attention.

On the off-chance that you actually were making a clumsy attempt to reach out to a human being who's going through a rough time by criticising her only means to get back to the only city where she's really enjoyed living her life, I lived in Bois-Colombes before, so actually being in the city is a dream come true, no matter how far away it is from the centre. But in the much more likely scenario that you're just exploiting the fact that I mentioned the city of Paris here, which is related to some video whose view count you want to boost, then again I say good luck with your trolling and thanks for distracting me from my unhappiness by letting me feel some outright anger for a few minutes.

[whenisitmyturn.livejournal.com]

Girrrrrl why you dissin going to bed early?!? :P

I'm sorry you're not happy. I know how you feel (in a way.. the directionless part (not the Paris part)) and the only real solution is to make your life interesting. I realize that is probably shit advice since we live in the most disgusting climate ever right now and you don't have much hope of transportation... but you need to find an activity. Even if its something like watching a new tv show.. (that's what I do when I'm bored).. Just something that is enough to occupy yourself. Or perhaps you could make that girl that doll. Money will happen if you do that! OR you could start thinking of fun activities and stuff you can do with Nil & the gang! That might be fun! :)

The thing for me is, I am happier if I am working towards a long term goal. Which, you are right now! (And so am I!) That's what's helping me deal with stress and exhaustion and stuff. lol. I'm just powering through because I know that Italy will be worth it. And you are working towards Paris! And that is frickin awesome.

I am probably not helping at all. But I do love you a lot, and I want you to be happy. :)

[ulkis.livejournal.com]

But you'd want to go back to Paris even if PM was off in Greenland, right?

[ulkis.livejournal.com]

my point is, just think about how paris will be awesome with or without that dude. And seconding whenisitmyturn's advice.

[lesmisloony.livejournal.com]

Yeah, he's just what all my conversations end up being about, especially this week, seeing all the pictures of him crying and stuff... I miss a shit-ton of things about Paris and being in France, like, every day. Everything here is inconvenient and irritating. I miss the métro, I miss speaking French, I miss not even needing air conditioning, I miss hearing those little French sirens, I miss the way people in the streets were dressed, I miss getting photos printed at fnac and smelling pee in Châtelet, I miss guys playing the accordian on the train, I miss souvenir shops and crêpe stands, I miss not being that impressed when I walk by Notre-Dame, I miss hearing Christophe Maé on the radio... I could go on for the rest of the morning but it just bums me out. So instead of talking about ALL THE THINGS that hurt I just focus on the one.

[ulkis.livejournal.com]

Honestly I think focusing on those things would be better than focusing on Maktav, just because thinking about crepe stands and the radio will probably hurt you less, you know? But I mean I dunno. I hope you get a definitive date from the host family soon.

[lesmisloony.livejournal.com]

Not sure how to say my thoughts on the subject in an unlocked entry, but I mean, there are differences between crêpe stands and Maktav... lol. If I focus on him the only thing that makes me mad is being on this side of the ocean, whereas if I focus on cultural differences I get worked up against things I see around me? If that makes sense. Like, I'd rather be lying around pining over a famous man than be sitting here hating the town I'm in for not having crêpe stands or decent public transportation? Either way I'm unhappy, but one way I'm less... mean...?

Although your point is definitely sound and I did change my desktop background from a Maktav Slideshow of PAIN to that picture of my dolls being at Bercy upon reflecting on your advice... that might at least put me in a kind of different mindset?

[ulkis.livejournal.com]

No, I get you - if you focus on the other stuff it doesn't just become about wanting be there but hating on where you are too.

Although your point is definitely sound and I did change my desktop background from a Maktav Slideshow of PAIN to that picture of my dolls being at Bercy upon reflecting on your advice... that might at least put me in a kind of different mindset?

I hope it helps! :)

(Although - and I'm being dead serious, as dead serious as one can be about crepes - crepe stands sound amazing and it made me wish I could fly over to Paris right now. There is a cute faux French restaurants nearby me that serves crepes and they are the most delicious things ever, I can only imagine how good ones actually made in France taste!)

[lesmisloony.livejournal.com]

The most beautiful thing about crêpe stands was how mad convenient they were. And to be honest I preferred paninis. There was this one lady in the Latin Quarter who I always bought my crêpes and paninis from during fall semester, but then she was gone when I got back from Christmas. I was SO UPSET until one day I noticed she had gotten a whole restaurant on the next street over! After that I went and got the panini spéciale genia from her so many times she came to know my face. 2e50 for a huge panini stuffed with cheese and chicken and some kind of awesome sauce and peppers and onions... I miss that lady. Doubt she'll remember me when I get back, haha...

Also I should mention that I am EXTREMELY menstrual right now which is why I'm so inexplicably unhappy all of a sudden, I'm pretty sure...

[ulkis.livejournal.com]

oh my God that sounds amazing. I am starting to feel your doldrums and I haven't even been there. I am a sucker for food, lol.

Also I should mention that I am EXTREMELY menstrual right now which is why I'm so inexplicably unhappy all of a sudden, I'm pretty sure...

Indeed. That never helps either! At least you haven't thrown a bowl in your backyard that? I did that a couple of weeks ago when I had bad pms. It doesn't really help, at least not 5 minutes later when you realized you've dented a decent bowl. :)

[angely78.livejournal.com]

I know. I'm.... if you've looked over any of my entries (and you've given me ehugs, so I know you have) you know roughly what's going on with me lately (and I like you lots, so I have no problem with you knowing what's going on with me lately) and how horribly cut-off and directionless and just.... blah.... I am. I can't even bring myself to post long entries anymore because I'm constantly getting ragged on for being on the 'Net at all, or not having a better job, or not taking care of my little Aloysia-mimic of a daughter or not having enough hours at the job I have, and on and on and on..... on top of the Husband-Gone-Wrong situation. And other things. So anyway, point was (I had one, I swear) I feel you. And I empathize LIEKWHOA.

[yvonnejanvier.livejournal.com]

Being bored is the worst thing in the whole world. It makes everything feel worse than it already feels, especially any kind of sadness.
I'm sorry I can't be any help. I suck at beating both boredom and sadness :-/

Stay strong, once you'll be back in Paris, these feelings will be gone.
Be brave like Mikele!