The Land of Squee

A million mental breakdowns last week.

One breakdown began when I finally started coming to terms with the fact that I was secretly expecting a relationship with my friend with benefits (I say benefits... right now we have only acted on our thing once) and I finally started coming to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen and I'm learning to be okay with that. I honestly am okay with that, I don't know why I was deep-down holding out for more. It's better this way, and this is what I really did want. I think the world had just convinced me that I'm supposed to be needy and require a lot of attention, plus I have the self-image issues and a constant desire for validation, so of course the man who isn't even my boyfriend lets me down a lot. I need to be honest with me or I'll never be able to be honest with him. I'm also getting better at accepting that he's not the only man in the world who would agree to sleep with me. Heck, there are probably even men out there who would fall in love with me! I hope I'll be collected enough soon to figure out how to meet more people.

Then my host family had a long talk about how life is a train and I'm standing at the quai hesitating to get on and how they're worried I'm going to ruin my future and stuff. Good to hear. They even got Shantelle the last year au pair nagging me about what I do with my free time and why I'm not doing yoga or something, I don't even know. I LIKE SPENDING FREE TIME ALONE. Why is that not okay with these people?

Though their conversation inspired me to go back in my room and cry until two o'clock in the morning, it was a kick in the pants. I've realized that my problem is saying I'll do something "in a second" and then never doing it. That's how clothes end up piled in the corner and that's how deadlines pass and that's why these people think I'm lazy. That's how things slip my mind.

The other thing I'm realizing is that I don't have any friends here. When something funny happens, there's no one for me to send a text to. I spend so much time alone that I've isolated myself from the other au pairs and I don't have a support network here in Paris. If I didn't have my internet friends and Kelley and Phoebe on skype I would have probably had this breakdown much earlier. I need to make friends somehow!

So I'm now waist-deep in information about how to continue living my life here. I probably will only be able to afford the teaching assistant program if I live with a roommate, and apparently a great place to start that search is that American Church in Paris. Meanwhile I finally found a place that does faxes and sent off for a copy of my transcript and I finally started investigating just what the problem is with the imagine R company and why my student navigo pass hasn't come yet. In an effort to appear to be someone who does things I went out alone last night and watched French Mamma Mia. It was a lot of fun, but the problem is that it cost me about €45. I just want to stay in my room and not spend my money and use the wifi. Why is that so abnormal?

Still, the mom did make a good point: I do need money, so why am I not going out looking for English lesson opportunities like ~*~*Shantelle*~*~ did? Oh. I just didn't think about it. I'm still hesitating. I'll go to that American church thing sometime and see what they have to offer.

Losing my fixation on the relationship to that man has opened my eyes to a lot of things. In some ways it feels better because I feel like an individual again, like a person who's worth more than he deserves and like a badass. In other ways it terrifies me, because I realize that my parents don't want to always be my safety net, and if things stop working out they aren't just going to send me rent money. I mean, they won't let me live on the streets, but it's time to be an adult now.

Going back to school isn't quite an option. I hate homework and I can't afford the housing. There are JILLIONS of offers for English teachers here, so I'll just get my shit together and do that. I always swore I wouldn't become a teacher, but I also always swore that I would move to New York and die a virgin. You do what you gotta do. Life changes, you change, aspirations change, perceptions change.

I just don't want any obligations. I want free wifi and a pantry to raid and unlimited time and limited human contact. But I do what I have to do to not starve and to stay in the country where the little things make me feel amazing. Next year, TAPIF and finding my own housing. The year after that... who knows? Maybe a real job. Then it's two more years and maybe I'll want to stay, or maybe I'll go back to America and complain about everything for the rest of my life.

In other news, Grimm and Once Upon A Time are both AMAZING shows. Why did American TV get so good when I decided to leave?

 
 

I'm in such a good place (geographically and emotionally) that I basically never feel the need to complain about life to you guys.  And when something fandom-y happens I have a flesh and blood person to talk to, because three of my friends watch Doctor Who and one watches the Mighty Boosh and all those other quiz show type things... plus one of my rl friends knows musicals.  The only thing I can't squee over with my hallmates is Les Mis, but for that I have Abaissé.  So yeah, I don't have any need to angst about anything.  And when I'm happy I don't have that much to say on livejournal.

Okay... so here's a picture I drew of Captain Jack Harkness.




Well, I found these clips on youtube yesterday and they made me happy.

( Docteur... je vous aime... )


And I had a dream that I met David Tennant and we were holding hands.  And then Kelley texted me from the next room and told me to ask him to get us tickets to see the series finale of Secret Diary of a Call Girl (which is a live show in my dream, I guess) so David Tennant started haggling with Billie Piper over whether there were any tickets left.  Then I decided to go to bed.  David Tennant joined me (in a decidedly cute but non-sexy way) and used my snuggie as a blanket.  Then he grinned at me all guiltily and said, "I think I peed the bed."  And it was true.  So I got up and started pulling the sheets of the bed to wash them, but David Tennant started complaining because he just wanted to go to sleep.  I said "You cannot sleep in your own filth, David Tennant!" but he said that it was three in the morning and it was time for bed.  I snapped, "You can travel in time!" and then my Dalek alarm clock woke me up.

I wanted to share that dream because it's hilarious and horrifying.  And because I now have a mental image of David Tennant, wrapped up in a Snuggie, grinning and saying "I think I peed the bed." My life has changed.

Also, just to clarify to the world.  When it comes to Doctor Who, series two is my favourite series.  But Nine is my favourite Doctor.  But Tennant is my favourite person.  I have so much love to distribute evenly to everyone but River Song.


Whoops, I was going to end the post there but now I'm still talking.

Being Human is getting more and more upsetting but also more and more addictive.  I'm glad Mitchell is being a normal vampire, but I'm also distressed that he's doing it out of anger and not for the lulz.  But thank GOODNESS he knows about the Purple-Face Beeyotch now.  Maybe he can hurry up and save Allons-y George and stat.  Also, the end of the last episode had that Miserere Mei that plays in the Les Mis video game when you go up to heaven to ask for Victor Hugo's help.  I know because I (shockingly) need a lot of help when I play that game.  And because my game used to freeze there a lot.  Still, it's a gorgeous song and I love it now.

By the way, for those of you who aren't Kelley, I'm calling Lucy a Purple-Face Beeyotch because she's also the actress from Shadow in the North whose obnoxiousness was responsible for a death that made Billie Piper sad.  And because she literally had a purple face in that movie.  And because whenever she's in a show she ruins everything.  She made Billie Piper sad and she made Mitchell evil and soon she's going to make George dead.  I can't even deal with the Purple-Face Beeyotch all up in my sexy vampire.


Also, we had a costume party this past weekend which was ridiculously fun.  I dressed up as Fantine.  Unfortunately, all of the pictures are unflattering and in going through them I was launched into a depression that lasted almost twelve hours, but I'm okay now.

Here is the picture that shows off the costume really well but also makes me look like a lardo.

( But the pearls were in her mouth...? )

I guarantee that my chin isn't usually that... well, that.  I was doing my consumption cough into my bloodstained handkerchief.

Oh, and for the record, I made the cap and the stays I'm wearing here.  I'm proud of that.  The skirt is left over from high school, the shirt came from eBay, and the boa came from Hobby Lobby.  The handkerchief was from Hobby Lobby as well, and I smeared red food colouring all over it.


Okay, I think I'm done posting to livejournal now.

One-point-five months till Doctor Who comes back!

So.  I've been painfully sick since Tuesday.  Monday was fun, though.  Went with moon_dove  to see a certain movie in the theatre with the hopes of being able to mock it but, after about three minutes, were joined by a very intimidating couple who could have killed us with a thought.  We tried and failed to keep it down.  As soon as they left at the end we yelled "FAIL!" through the credits, though.  Then we ate Italian and flirted with a waiter.

And then Tuesday I was supposed to go shopping for clothes and a DVD of Interview with a Vampire, but I suddenly felt awful and decided I'd better stay in bed.  By the end of the night I had a temperature.  I tried to going to work Wednesday but barely made it through conscious and my parents came all the way out (a thiry-minute drive) to take me home because I didn't feel good enough to make the commute back myself.  I thought I was going to pass out on the highway.   I had to get people to cover my shifts Thursday and Friday.

I have had cold chills all over my body, dizziniess, a stuffy nose, weird cloggy ears, a cough, a throat sore from all the coughing which has now begun to swell and bleed, headaches, an occasional burning sensation in my feet, sore muscles, and lots of lots of exhaustion.  I have gone through two boxes of tissues but every time I clear my nose it clogs back up again almost immediately.  And now my lips are chapped from breathing through my mouth.  WHIIIINE.  The PAINNNN.  Still, my fever seems to have broken and now I'm just left with the throat and sinus issues.  Owwww.  And I move back into the dorms Sunday and classes start Monday.  And my mom just now brought me some of that nasty cherry throat spray with an expiration date from 2005.  I became suspicious when I saw it was covered in dust.  lol my parents.

Anyway, because I've been lying in bed with my laptop for four days (passing out every few hours), I've been able to do some catching up.  I saw The Ruby in the Smoke, The Shadow in the North, that one episode of Secret Diary of a Call Girl with Matt Smith, AD/BC (AMAZING!), Living Till The End, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (also amazing), the first two episodes of Scrubs season eight, The Next Doctor (again) (lol Tennant), The New Earth with in-vision commentary (aww Tennant), two episodes of The IT Crowd from s2, the pilot of A Bit of Fry and Laurie, and then I went through my iTunes and tidied up all the file names and stuff.  And I just now got a copy of Repo squeeeeee.  Also I'm almost done reading Interview with a Vampire.  Yayy for French bloodsuckers with capes who sleep in coffins and DON'T SPARKLE!  I want to see Claudia and Renesmee Edwob Charlislie Jasplice Rosemett Mikssica Carlie in a fight.  Because I have no doubts about who would win.  And it would be glorious. 

Ahh my mom just came in with some Vicks VapoRub and, just to be sure I checked for the expiration date: 2003!  Jeez, people!  It's probably going to burn a hole through my chest or something!  Also, lol.


Actually I started this post with the intention of whinging about a certain amount of self-absorbed spamming that's going on at MdN and how it's really starting to irk me, but now that I've whinged about my ILLNESS I'm out of steam.  Maybe that's good.  Don't need to go around making enemies on the netz.

Also, can someone help me here? It is unacceptable for David Flipping Tennant to lose to that sparkly b*tch lovechild of Conan O'Brien and Rick Astley.

ETA: A final whinge.  Tomorrow would have been my day to see the Signature Theatre Les Mis with Emma before she goes to study abroad in Ireland.  Highly doubt I'm up for that.  And no one in a black box theatre would want to hear me snorting into tissues every two minutes.

Oh Listolier the laptop, when will you stop torturing me?

But at least he waited till the day after NaNo to explode, the poor dear.  I talked to the nice I.T. guy, and instead of saying "Have you tried turning it off and back on again?" (A: Yes.) he explained that sometimes hard drives just go bad.  Fortunately, The Twin Sunsets was already backed up.  UNfortunately, the part of the hard drive that went bad was my desktop.  Whiiiich included all my I.T. Crowd (RICHMOND), Merlin, Mighty Boosh, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2006 and 2007, and my half-finished Mighty Boosh fanvid to "Guy Love" from Scrubs... *sigh*

Whatevs.

BUT.  I really really want to write more random Richmulian-y stuff.  Oneshots.  And revision on The Twin Sunsets.  AND I CAN'T.  Mehhhh.

ETA: Now that I'm on the loaner computer I must verify that I only lost Einstein and Eddington (*sniffle*), the Merlin video diaries (*sigh*), a few tracks from the Mighty Boosh Radio Series (they're on my iPod anyway), the Jonathan Ross interview with Tennant and Catherine Tate (I already had it on megaupload), and a particular movie I had downloaded about sparkly creatures of the night only to let my friends watch it without supporting it financially.  So, I'm in the process of replacing these things.  It's gonna be okay.  AND I get a free new hard drive out of the deal!  Whooooo.

Didn't make it to 40k today, but I have no choice but to do so tomorrow.

I DID, however, finish watch Princess Tutu with Kat (FAKIR. OMG.), watched the greatest Batman movie ever (Wow! Let's commandeer a taxi!), organised my schedule for next semester (I better do better than this one, let me just say), cleaned my room (SIX PIZZA BOXES), and did fifty percent of my French homework. All in all, most productive week I've ever had. And I DID write over two thousand words today, which was pretty thrilling. Then I got bored and made Sophie pass out. Because I suddenly realised she hadn't done that yet, and all good French ladies MUST pass out at least once. XD

 

39027 / 50000 words. 78% done!

Today's word count meter is Carolina blue.  Because it should be.


I'm also in the process of making my own moodtheme.

OH!  And plz to be signing this: Petition to Save Pushing Daisies

MY FOOD IS PROBLEMATIC.