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lesmisloony I have a skype interview Monday!
I'm delighted at the idea of being back so soon, the idea of getting too used to texting with my American phone (the keys are a teeny bit different) or my French friends forgetting me or waiting so long that I don't remember the métro lines was killing me.
At the same time, it's making me panic a little bit. Not enough to slow me down (I literally rolled out of bed and staggered straight to my car this morning so I could get to the library and use the scanner and finish my application) but enough to make me question myself. I feel like I shouldn't rush right back to Europe, I should wait and make sure I really want to and it's not just my residual groupie status (I know perfectly well that MOR is almost over and hotel-dooring will never happen again) or some deluded desire to become rl bff with Patrice Maktav. (Deep down I don't really expect I'll ever see him again, by the way, but I enjoy my crazy fantasies wherein we hang out and watch Dr Who and take a day trip to London together and stuff... sigh.)
Seeing how miserable I was being, my mom said that if I find work in France she'll buy my plane ticket and pay for my visa stuff. I don't think she expected me to find anything. But other than that I'm pretty much on my own now, so I'm thinking that this means I won't have Halloween (unless I go to Parc Astérix again, which I reckon I will) or Thanksgiving (last time I was kinda homesick on Thanksgiving and my family skyped me from the dinner table) and... I don't know if I can afford to go home for Christmas... and the lady said some people stay for two years, I obviously would want that, but this time it's for real, you know? Two years being on my own (though still living with a family) in France. I'm not going to have MOR to eat all my free time and money this go-round. I won't have Sherry.
But staying here with all my friends is doing nothing for me. I love them a lot but I haven't even seen about half of them since school was over before I got back and they all went their separate ways. The ones I have seen are amazing, we still get along perfectly, but the others are just as close as they were when I was in France because we only communicate by skype and facebook. It doesn't matter that I'm in the same time zone as them now.
And then there's the fact that I'm out of school. I'm out of school and now it's time to have a life. That's the directionless thing. I'm directionless. So I might as well go back. I know I want to, I know I'm happy there (hopefully not just because of MOR, but I don't think it was just that, I think it was everything, it was being in a big city and passing the Eiffel Tower every day, it was speaking French and dressing nicely and using euros and eating healthy, it was all of it) and I know what to do. This is what I know, living in Paris, travelling, getting a visa, this is the life I grew into, this is what I want. Will I keep growing if I go back? I think so. I'll learn to make an adult life for myself, not a student life or a groupie life but an actual life where I'll have to go out and find friends, not just befriend whoever is in my group because I won't have a group! My French will start getting better again! Will I be growing if I stay here? Maybe. But there's still no one to help with the rent so chances are high that I'll end up moving back into my parents' house where I'll feel like a failure and a burden and will be constantly nagged and I'll be under the shadow of my mother's issues with self-image and weight again and I'll slowly regress and lose everything I became this past year... or perhaps I'll learn to retain everything despite returning home. If I stay it'll be part-time jobs and indecision and dreaming of Paris. If I go it'll be self-motivation and childcare and missing MOR.
I was starting to think I'd never make it back. But I gotta be honest, with my experience levels and as impressed as they were by my enthusiasm and my prompt responses I think I'm probably a much better candidate than most. I listed my host dad as a reference, I know he'll talk me up if they contact him. There was a bit where we have to write a letter to potential families and they said that if you can't write well in French just make an effort for one paragraph and then switch to English. All I do on the internet these days is correspond in French with the various fans who are wishing me well and keeping in touch, sharing stories about the Troupe and asking how my life is going, so I can type pretty darn well in French. I can do this. This is something I can do.
You can au pair when you're in your twenties. After that it isn't so easy, as Sherry discovered. This is it, I'm a perfect candidate, I know how to do it, I'm ready, I really want to go back.
Why am I writing so much? It's basically free-association writing at this point, I'm staring at this MOR poster and just typing all the words in my head.
I think this week has gone so well (I have a car for the moment, I picked up plenty of hours at work, living with Kelley is a lot of fun) that a lot of my mopeyness is wearing off and I'm starting to accept that I live in America now.
But soon I might not!
I want to shop at pimkie again. I don't want to feel like I'm overdressed when I walk down a sidewalk.
I only have about ten shirts, there's nothing tying me to this state or this nation, going back would be easier than ever right now. I know exactly how to pack.
Here are the pictures I ended up sending:
Maybe I look a little saner now. But hopefully also fun and loved? Haha.
Omg I'm sleepy. I had stress dreams all night about getting that last piece of the application turned in.
I'm delighted at the idea of being back so soon, the idea of getting too used to texting with my American phone (the keys are a teeny bit different) or my French friends forgetting me or waiting so long that I don't remember the métro lines was killing me.
At the same time, it's making me panic a little bit. Not enough to slow me down (I literally rolled out of bed and staggered straight to my car this morning so I could get to the library and use the scanner and finish my application) but enough to make me question myself. I feel like I shouldn't rush right back to Europe, I should wait and make sure I really want to and it's not just my residual groupie status (I know perfectly well that MOR is almost over and hotel-dooring will never happen again) or some deluded desire to become rl bff with Patrice Maktav. (Deep down I don't really expect I'll ever see him again, by the way, but I enjoy my crazy fantasies wherein we hang out and watch Dr Who and take a day trip to London together and stuff... sigh.)
Seeing how miserable I was being, my mom said that if I find work in France she'll buy my plane ticket and pay for my visa stuff. I don't think she expected me to find anything. But other than that I'm pretty much on my own now, so I'm thinking that this means I won't have Halloween (unless I go to Parc Astérix again, which I reckon I will) or Thanksgiving (last time I was kinda homesick on Thanksgiving and my family skyped me from the dinner table) and... I don't know if I can afford to go home for Christmas... and the lady said some people stay for two years, I obviously would want that, but this time it's for real, you know? Two years being on my own (though still living with a family) in France. I'm not going to have MOR to eat all my free time and money this go-round. I won't have Sherry.
But staying here with all my friends is doing nothing for me. I love them a lot but I haven't even seen about half of them since school was over before I got back and they all went their separate ways. The ones I have seen are amazing, we still get along perfectly, but the others are just as close as they were when I was in France because we only communicate by skype and facebook. It doesn't matter that I'm in the same time zone as them now.
And then there's the fact that I'm out of school. I'm out of school and now it's time to have a life. That's the directionless thing. I'm directionless. So I might as well go back. I know I want to, I know I'm happy there (hopefully not just because of MOR, but I don't think it was just that, I think it was everything, it was being in a big city and passing the Eiffel Tower every day, it was speaking French and dressing nicely and using euros and eating healthy, it was all of it) and I know what to do. This is what I know, living in Paris, travelling, getting a visa, this is the life I grew into, this is what I want. Will I keep growing if I go back? I think so. I'll learn to make an adult life for myself, not a student life or a groupie life but an actual life where I'll have to go out and find friends, not just befriend whoever is in my group because I won't have a group! My French will start getting better again! Will I be growing if I stay here? Maybe. But there's still no one to help with the rent so chances are high that I'll end up moving back into my parents' house where I'll feel like a failure and a burden and will be constantly nagged and I'll be under the shadow of my mother's issues with self-image and weight again and I'll slowly regress and lose everything I became this past year... or perhaps I'll learn to retain everything despite returning home. If I stay it'll be part-time jobs and indecision and dreaming of Paris. If I go it'll be self-motivation and childcare and missing MOR.
I was starting to think I'd never make it back. But I gotta be honest, with my experience levels and as impressed as they were by my enthusiasm and my prompt responses I think I'm probably a much better candidate than most. I listed my host dad as a reference, I know he'll talk me up if they contact him. There was a bit where we have to write a letter to potential families and they said that if you can't write well in French just make an effort for one paragraph and then switch to English. All I do on the internet these days is correspond in French with the various fans who are wishing me well and keeping in touch, sharing stories about the Troupe and asking how my life is going, so I can type pretty darn well in French. I can do this. This is something I can do.
You can au pair when you're in your twenties. After that it isn't so easy, as Sherry discovered. This is it, I'm a perfect candidate, I know how to do it, I'm ready, I really want to go back.
Why am I writing so much? It's basically free-association writing at this point, I'm staring at this MOR poster and just typing all the words in my head.
I think this week has gone so well (I have a car for the moment, I picked up plenty of hours at work, living with Kelley is a lot of fun) that a lot of my mopeyness is wearing off and I'm starting to accept that I live in America now.
But soon I might not!
I want to shop at pimkie again. I don't want to feel like I'm overdressed when I walk down a sidewalk.
I only have about ten shirts, there's nothing tying me to this state or this nation, going back would be easier than ever right now. I know exactly how to pack.
Here are the pictures I ended up sending:
Maybe I look a little saner now. But hopefully also fun and loved? Haha.
Omg I'm sleepy. I had stress dreams all night about getting that last piece of the application turned in.
