This is not fanfic.

Once upon a time there was a Cockney called the Hitcher. He was green and wore a giant polo over his eye. He liked eels. He also liked to urinate on people's faces, comin' out of 'im like a yellow cable. It was not funny at all and really quite disgusting when he did this, but it was his way of showing love. So was raping. But he didn't rape geezers.

Once upon a time there was a scaly man-fish called Old Gregg. He was green and wore a tutu. He liked Baileys. He also liked to show people his mangina until the light that came from it knocked them out. It was sort of funny but mostly really quite awkward when he did this, but it was his way of showing love. So was forcing people to marry him. He had his own wedding dress.

Alas, for Old Gregg the half-fish half-man and the Hitcher, who loved eels, have never met. But if they were, it would be true love. The Hitcher would try to rape Old Gregg and Old Gregg would force the Hitcher to marry him and the Piper Twins and the Funk would be bridesmaids. Naboo would perform the ceremony. Then Old Gregg and the Hitcher would ride a rocket made from wheat all the way to the Moon, where they would have a nice little honeymoon. Honeymoon. On the Moon. The original Moon. The full Moon.

And all their babies would be little green Noel Fieldings. Some would have seaweed, some would have polos, and some would have painted-on mustaches. Except one that would be pink and have tentacles instead of a body.

This is not fanfic. This is common sense. And it's our new OTP.

Artwork provided by Katherine:
 

( Pictures or it didn't happen: )