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Tout va bien, sauf que tout va mal
Oct. 8th, 2011 05:23 pmOkay, this whole host family thing is becoming an issue. Today my host mom started telling me how I need to move on because everything in my life is about one show, and she was like, You have to be other things than just that, you have to go out and meet people. She said it would be one thing if I liked musicals, but it's not all musicals, it's just that one. I was like, You misunderstand, I do like musicals but the thing is I don't want to go out and see Dracula right now and also I don't have much money, most of the extra money I'm making is being sent back home to pay for my student loans. She didn't understand the concept of student loans at all, so she asked how much I owed. I said I didn't know and that confused the hell out of her. Then she started telling me I need to make a decision about my future, I need to work towards something because time passes quickly, I need to decide what I want to do if I go back to school.
THEN she started asking me why I don't write to my brother (wtf?!?) and why I never talk to my dad on skype. There is nothing wrong with my relationship with my father, he just isn't someone who chats. In college if I called home he'd just ask if I wanted him to pass the phone to my mom. It doesn't mean we don't like each other, it's just the way we are. Nowadays if he passes by when I'm skyping my mom he just says hi and turns the camera on the cat. My host mom said that's why I have to make an effort, she said if he's as shy as me then maybe it's difficult but I have to ask questions and really care about his life. As for my brother, we actively hated each other from high school until a few months ago. That is EIGHT YEARS. Now we're facebook friends. I don't mind him, but why am I obligated to write him a letter or something? We've seen each other, like, twice in the past two years. I know he exists and he knows I exist but we keep our separate lives and there's no problem with that.
Another thing... I don't think I'm shy. I have confidence issues and I am quite self-centered, so when I'm in a situation where I can't be the center of attention I usually just go silent. If you ask me questions about myself I will tell you everything. I'll show you dirty texts I've received from my Frenchman the first day I meet you, but not if you don't seem interested and definitely not if I feel like you're going to judge me for it. I feel judged by this family who just doesn't understand the culture of my family and my upbringing, and that's why I close myself off. I go into my room to be on the computer and I spend the whole time worrying that they're judging me for that. It's not relaxing for me to go out and be around a million talking people. I miss having friends, but I don't want to go out and make new ones. I just want friends that already exist.
I gave an English lesson to a neighbor's kid today. One hour and I made €15. I can do that. I can hook up with that agency that finds you a family that needs ten hours of babysitting a week and in return gives you an apartment. I don't need much money to live, I just need to pay for my navigo pass and my cell phone and food. And wifi, I definitely need wifi. I don't know what kind of a career I want because I've never known, nothing has ever seemed interesting or attainable. I've wanted to be a writer since I was little but I've never finished a book and if I did I wouldn't know what to do with it. I wanted to be an actor once but that dream died when I realized I wasn't that talented; I wanted to go into film but after studying it for a summer it lost its shine. I don't want to go to further school for something unless Im sure it's something I am really passionate about, like forever passionate, and there isn't anything. It's like telling me I need to get married when I don't know any marry-able men.
My plan is to get a job with that agency so I can babysit for housing, enroll in a class at a cheap ass language school to get my student visa, give English lessons on the weekends, and just live until something catches my eye. I know I want to stay in Paris while it's still appealling to me, but that's all I know for sure. Just let me stay and let me decide. We only live one life; imagine if you were stuck doing something you hated and then you died.
Still, I'm really susceptible to other people's opinions and now I'm kind of panicking. At the very least I'm indignant and wounded. But how can you call me lazy and unmotivated after I got my ass back to Paris in two months when I expected it to take me the rest of my life? If I want something, I'll go after it with a fury you've never seen before. I stalked the hell out of MOR in a way most people wouldn't even dream of doing. I know what I *can* do, the problem is that I have to really want the result in order to get up in the first place. And I don't really want anything except to stay.
THEN she started asking me why I don't write to my brother (wtf?!?) and why I never talk to my dad on skype. There is nothing wrong with my relationship with my father, he just isn't someone who chats. In college if I called home he'd just ask if I wanted him to pass the phone to my mom. It doesn't mean we don't like each other, it's just the way we are. Nowadays if he passes by when I'm skyping my mom he just says hi and turns the camera on the cat. My host mom said that's why I have to make an effort, she said if he's as shy as me then maybe it's difficult but I have to ask questions and really care about his life. As for my brother, we actively hated each other from high school until a few months ago. That is EIGHT YEARS. Now we're facebook friends. I don't mind him, but why am I obligated to write him a letter or something? We've seen each other, like, twice in the past two years. I know he exists and he knows I exist but we keep our separate lives and there's no problem with that.
Another thing... I don't think I'm shy. I have confidence issues and I am quite self-centered, so when I'm in a situation where I can't be the center of attention I usually just go silent. If you ask me questions about myself I will tell you everything. I'll show you dirty texts I've received from my Frenchman the first day I meet you, but not if you don't seem interested and definitely not if I feel like you're going to judge me for it. I feel judged by this family who just doesn't understand the culture of my family and my upbringing, and that's why I close myself off. I go into my room to be on the computer and I spend the whole time worrying that they're judging me for that. It's not relaxing for me to go out and be around a million talking people. I miss having friends, but I don't want to go out and make new ones. I just want friends that already exist.
I gave an English lesson to a neighbor's kid today. One hour and I made €15. I can do that. I can hook up with that agency that finds you a family that needs ten hours of babysitting a week and in return gives you an apartment. I don't need much money to live, I just need to pay for my navigo pass and my cell phone and food. And wifi, I definitely need wifi. I don't know what kind of a career I want because I've never known, nothing has ever seemed interesting or attainable. I've wanted to be a writer since I was little but I've never finished a book and if I did I wouldn't know what to do with it. I wanted to be an actor once but that dream died when I realized I wasn't that talented; I wanted to go into film but after studying it for a summer it lost its shine. I don't want to go to further school for something unless Im sure it's something I am really passionate about, like forever passionate, and there isn't anything. It's like telling me I need to get married when I don't know any marry-able men.
My plan is to get a job with that agency so I can babysit for housing, enroll in a class at a cheap ass language school to get my student visa, give English lessons on the weekends, and just live until something catches my eye. I know I want to stay in Paris while it's still appealling to me, but that's all I know for sure. Just let me stay and let me decide. We only live one life; imagine if you were stuck doing something you hated and then you died.
Still, I'm really susceptible to other people's opinions and now I'm kind of panicking. At the very least I'm indignant and wounded. But how can you call me lazy and unmotivated after I got my ass back to Paris in two months when I expected it to take me the rest of my life? If I want something, I'll go after it with a fury you've never seen before. I stalked the hell out of MOR in a way most people wouldn't even dream of doing. I know what I *can* do, the problem is that I have to really want the result in order to get up in the first place. And I don't really want anything except to stay.
