![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Aug. 17th, 2012 10:04 pmAlright, I've done some soul-searching and here it is.
The things keeping me in France are curiosity about 1789 and rare sightings of Florent Mothe. And pride. I like being the girl who left my small town and moved to Paris.
But I'm not happy anymore. Since I had my way with Da Ponte (or his way, kind of) and I realized that Dracula and Adam et Eve weren't going to replace the hole in my heart that MOR had left, I'm out of steam. I'll miss my rare Flo sightings so badly, but... it's not worth it anymore.
I'm so burned out. I'm tired of people acting like I have a disability for having difficulty with French when, where I come from, knowing a second language is rare and amazing. I'm tired of having to fight to stay here when I don't even know what I'm staying for. I'm tired of settling for what I can get as a foreigner rather than what would be the best for me. I'm tired of paperwork that doesn't make sense.
My best friends from college are in New York City now. That was my old dream before I studied abroad. I'm going to apply for my masters where they are. In publishing.
The more I think about it, the more amazing the idea of going back to the US sounds. I could visit my family for $100 instead of $1000. I could get my unnecessary stuff from home like the dolls of my characters and my sewing machine. I could be qualified for ANY part time job, not just the few that are open to foreigners. I would have a support group again of like-minded friends. God I miss my friends.
I feel like I've been thrashing around in the deep end just to prove I could. It sounds like giving up and I'll miss Paris like a hole in my heart, but New York would be joining my friends in the middle of the pool where my feet touch the bottom. Where all our feet touch the bottom.
ETA: In case it's not clear, I'm still staying till next summer as an au pair.
The things keeping me in France are curiosity about 1789 and rare sightings of Florent Mothe. And pride. I like being the girl who left my small town and moved to Paris.
But I'm not happy anymore. Since I had my way with Da Ponte (or his way, kind of) and I realized that Dracula and Adam et Eve weren't going to replace the hole in my heart that MOR had left, I'm out of steam. I'll miss my rare Flo sightings so badly, but... it's not worth it anymore.
I'm so burned out. I'm tired of people acting like I have a disability for having difficulty with French when, where I come from, knowing a second language is rare and amazing. I'm tired of having to fight to stay here when I don't even know what I'm staying for. I'm tired of settling for what I can get as a foreigner rather than what would be the best for me. I'm tired of paperwork that doesn't make sense.
My best friends from college are in New York City now. That was my old dream before I studied abroad. I'm going to apply for my masters where they are. In publishing.
The more I think about it, the more amazing the idea of going back to the US sounds. I could visit my family for $100 instead of $1000. I could get my unnecessary stuff from home like the dolls of my characters and my sewing machine. I could be qualified for ANY part time job, not just the few that are open to foreigners. I would have a support group again of like-minded friends. God I miss my friends.
I feel like I've been thrashing around in the deep end just to prove I could. It sounds like giving up and I'll miss Paris like a hole in my heart, but New York would be joining my friends in the middle of the pool where my feet touch the bottom. Where all our feet touch the bottom.
ETA: In case it's not clear, I'm still staying till next summer as an au pair.
