Ohh, I'm watching this 1930something Jane Eyre movie and not ONE detail has made me happy. It's, like, completely crap in every way.
First off, Jane is a blonde and everyone keeps saying how pretty she is. Also she loves telling people off. Even as a kid she was a total brat. And they sent her to an orphanage where she acting like a brat, became a teacher, and then acted like a brat some more. And then she met Rochester via the horse crash, but she, well, told him off. Like a brat. And then once they hit Thornfield she always wears these gorgeous dresses and has little tea parties with Rochester, who just acts like a gentleman. Also it has NO SCORE. At all. Which makes for all these long awkward sequences with no tension. (How interesting that the last movie I saw that had no score of No Country For Old Men... speaking of tension, I mean.) There are whole sequences that are silently watching a pen move across paper and slowly reading what Jane's writing about, even though it's usually just needless repetition of scenes that just took place. And, um, who exactly is she meant to be writing to?
Adele is in no way French and is Rochester's niece. Also, she's apparently a klutz because she keeps falling over or getting stuck in trees and flowerpots and then bursting into noisy tears. Also,
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capnspaulding32 , she totally looks like a mini you.
But if Rochester is just a nice Gary Stu to everyone and Jane is just generically pretty and finely dressed, what on Earth is the conflict? And if Jane is a total brat and Rochester is a total flat... character... how come this movie is even called "Jane Eyre"? Also, Blanche Ingram isn't very pretty at all. Um?
Oh, did I mention that Rochester occasionally looks like Nathan Lane? If Nathan Lane were one of those tall gentleman types from the 1930s?
Okay, so it just got to their wedding day, and they're getting married in the house. And Bertha just kind of wandered in, looking identical to Blanche Ingram, and was all "Oh, Edward, dear, are we going to get married again? Is this young lady one of the guests?" and no one has any emotion in their voices at all expect Mrs Fairfax. Anyway, the priest was all, "WOT'S ALL THIS THEN?" and Rochester was like, "Well, we're getting our marriage annulled soon." and the priest was like "Call me when that works out, then!" and took off. And then there were screams from off camera and Mrs Fairfax comes running in like, "Oh, we can't control her, she's so violent!" and then Jane looks all abashed and leaves.
Apparently she takes work in a nun kitchen or something and "the reverend," whom she calls Mr Rivers, tries to marry her so they can all (all?) go to India together. But that's also THIS IS HIS ONLY SCENE. I just don't feel I've had ample time to understand his character and motiviations... Then Jane agrees to marry him and is working in the kitchen while some lady whose accent *might* resemble Cockney tells her how lucky he is. And then Sam Poole, Grace Poole's husband DUH, shows up at the soup kitcheny place where she's working and tells her about the fire. She flips out, demands to know where Rochester is, and is told it's the caretaker's cottage.
Okay, so he did go blind, but he does have both hands. And in the big reunion the acting remains at the same crap level it has been the whole time. No chemistry, no interest level. Damn, he just said this:
"You pity me. Yes, pity, pity. Strange. You pity when I'm blind, and yet when I was worse than blind you had no mercy. We don't belong to each other. We never did. You went out of my life once. Please go now."
UM. Sorry, NO? What about all the clutching and holding and I thought you were a dream? And then he says "Mrs Fairfax, has she gone?" and Jane grabs him and goes "No, I haven't gone! And I'm not going! You want me, you know you do. Nothing has changed. I belong here with you. I'll never leave you again!" and then Adele runs in and says "Uncle Edward, it's our Jane!" and hugs Mrs Fairfax and that's the end. Which is GREAT, except Rochester still looks pissed off that Jane's forcing a cuddle on him.
HATE.
And I'm sitting on my futon wearing my Old Gregg wig, watching this on my laptop. The door's open, so people walking by in the hall keep backtracking and laughing at me. I totally don't mind being a weirdo, of course.
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