This is gonna have to be my new tradition. I also did 2009 and 2011.

Seems to me now that the dreams we had before are all dead, nothing more than confetti on the floor )

Ew I ended it on a sour note. Well this has been kind of a sour year. I mean for other people I guess it would be a fine year (minus nearly dying and finding out your friends don't care about you) but to fill out this quiz I was deleting my answers from LAST year when I had become the world's best groupie and recently been deflowered by my then-celebrity crush and followed that up with three first dates in one weekend, so like... deleting that and throwing in how stupid this year as been made me crankier and crankier.

Let's hope next year I'll be able to delete these answers and fill in something a lot perkier.
lesmisloony: (Barack!)
I knew something was wrong...

So... does anyone have any suggestions for what I should do with the rest of my life? I literally don't have anywhere at all to start.

The whole point of leaving France was that I wanted to be closer to my friends again, but I get back here and nothing has changed at all. I still have to do everything alone. That would be fine if I knew what I wanted.

I don't know where to start now.

(PS yay obama i guess, too bad all my plans for the future fell through ten minutes before that was announced)


Okay... so basically without housing I'm not going to be able to go to New York in January. I won't be comfortable moving unless I have a job wherever I end up going, and I want to make sure I have enough savings in case whatever job it is falls through. Meaning I sure hope Target asks me to stay after January.

Anyone know someone who will need a roommate in a big city like NYC soon?

All I really wanted was a situation where I was comfortable wandering around in my pyjamas on free days and to live with someone I liked with a sense of humor like mine. I know it could still happen someday but I was a lot less unhappy when I thought it was a sure thing. I feel like I'm exactly where I was in France... if I don't live with people I like I'll never speak to anybody and I'll just get miserable and homesick again. Based on all my experiences with the friends I have leftover from college and high school, if *I* don't organize shit it doesn't happen, meaning I can just assume I'll never see any of those people unless they live in my building. So yeah, it's basically starting over again with no friends.

The only person who has called me since I got my phone is my grandmother, by the way. She made plans with me too. I *have* tried to get together with people around here and they all backed out. I'm not just sitting here whining that nobody likes me. But it doesn't take much for me to be convinced that people are sick of me, so if someone has a reason they can't see me once I wait for them to try to make it up the next time, and if they don't I assume they just don't care.

Okay I'm all over the place. Literally ALL of my plans hinged on this one thing and now I'm not sure where to start. I'll just go to bed.

I wish I could talk to my mom but she's on this stupid cruise and I won't be able to get her advice/have her reassure me/calm me down until SUNDAY. God.

This was supposed to be such a happy moment with the election and everything... I wasn't supposed to spend it crying and bleakly reflecting on how unstructured my future is.
lesmisloony: (sad doctor)
I can't take any more of this disgusting news out of the US, particularly North Carolina.

I cried on and off for a whole day when Amendment One passed, mostly torn to pieces because I know my father, whom I have always trusted and respected, was one of the people to vote for it to pass. The vote to illegalise civil unions because, as my mom tried to explain it on his behalf, "He doesn't think sinners should have the same rights as us."

Yesterday Vincent linked me to an article in French outlining all the fucked-up laws concerning birth control and abortion that are being proposed all across the United States. How is this HAPPENING? How is anybody with any sense at all not looking at these things and screaming about how disgusting and unjust and just plain FOUL they are???

And now there's this idiot pastor from North Carolina who wants to put all homosexuals behind an electrified fence until they die out. Who said it in a sermon. Who called Obama a baby-killer.

It makes me miserable because it makes me so ashamed. When people ask me where I'm from I used to proudly chirp the name of that state, of that country, but now I wish I could say something else. Anything else.

Jesus Christ was a really cool guy. If he can see what's going on right now in his name, he must be even more miserable than I am. And I've been crying for just under an hour.

My own personal approach to faith has always served me well. I feel secure and protected and I believe in God. I love everything Jesus had to say about compassion and treating others well. I love the idea that "God is love." But whatever that belief system is, it doesn't qualify as Christian based on what Christianity has become today.

So fuck it. I'm not a Christian. I never want anyone to confuse me with the ignorance and hatred that I've been seeing lately. Putting this down in words is like a knife to the gut. My parents are deeply religious and I was raised to focus most of my social life on the church. I was happy and I have so many great memories of my youth group and Sunday School. But there were always things that bothered me, every since I was tiny and they told me that anyone who didn't believe in Jesus was going to hell, including my awesome Hindu friend Kajal who was one of the sweetest people I knew. I always secretly refused to believe that no matter how many people told me. Now I guess I don't have to feel obligated to.

I'm so scared to say this though. I guess it's been true for a while, but what if it's wrong and I'm disappointing God by making this declaration? What if I do somehow end up in a hell? I know my parents would be torn to pieces to hear this, but I want them to be. I want to punish both of them for my dad's ignorant decision on May 8th. For adhering so obstinately to something that has been so twisted. For refusing to acknowledge that claiming that sex is about childbirth is... nonsense. For being part of a society where the religion of one group is allowed to pass laws that remove the rights of others just because they don't agree with them. It's so foul. If you're going to be a corrupt, filthy country, at least do it openly rather than somehow making everyone think that it's okay, that it's normal, that people everywhere face these same battles.

Excuse me while I go cry some more. I can't even proofread this because my vision is so blurry with tears.
lesmisloony: (wtf Ten)
Still sorting through my feelings... I woke up today and just burst into tears. Screw you, Russell T Davies, and your evil ability to manipulate my happiness.

Spoilerific and confused. )

 I await January 1st with terror and... well, dissatisfaction.  

Also, this:

lesmisloony: (omg enjy)

I'm watching How to Lose Friends and Alienate People because Simon Pegg is in it. But I'm only eight minutes in and I've already seen Jen and Roy from The I.T. Crowd and Agatha Christie from Doctor Who and every time one of these people pops up I completely flip out because OMG OMG OMG. And then there was Bambi from Secret Diary!! over. Other than some scarring nudity, I proclaim it win.



Okay, this week's Pushing Daisies, the curtain thing was flipping annoying. Maybe it's Aunt Irma's fault, but I enjoyed this week's episode despite Chuck and Ned... ugh the Booshy curtain thing. I want pie. I want to eat an entire pie. I actually kind of enjoy having my once-a-month excuse to be pissy, though. Yayyy I'm pissy. Now YOU SHUT UP. Need moar Aunt Vivian. And WTF is Chuck wearing??

OH MY WORD. I just watched the love song and the ending of Les Parapluies de Cherbourg and it made me feel so much better in some way. I swear to God that movie is one of the greatest things ever. I may have gotten lightheaded at the awesomeness. So. Amazing.

My roommate and some hallmates are squeeing over hot guys, so for the first time this month I listened to music while writing. It usually distracts me, but I put on the soundtrack-y Doctor Who type stuff and some Mozart. Or anything in a language I'm unlikely to be able to understand. With the assistance of headphones, I accomplished this:


32183 / 50000 words. 64% done!

Today my word count meter is the colour of Sophie's dress.

Draw a pig and see what it says about your psyche:

Click to view my test results!

And Julian and Richmond had a fight today.  I've almost finished with my exposition!

18716 / 50000 words. 37% done!

Tomorrow I have class with the TA who saw my evil twin last week.  She did ask for a hard copy of the paper, but no word on whether or not she would grade it.  Let's see how that beeyotch likes my note from Rich & Thompson.
I decided to make up for yesterday's Obama distraction (PRESIDENT OBAMA SQUEE) by writing well over two thousand words today. The boys took Sophie out for dinner in New York (in the eighties) where Ju proceeded to dump ranch dressing on everything. I was describing Julian to my roommate, and I was like "He's really dorky. And he's IN LOVE ranch dressing... and with a guy who wears a cape and has long pretty hair and more than slightly resembles Noel Fielding." And my roommate was like, "Um, this is clearly about you." Dude, they're all kind of me, aren't they? Isn't that the point of writing? But when I'm hyper, yeah, I do act exactly like Julian. I mean... he acts exactly like me. Whatever.

8128 / 50000 words. 16% done!

Also, speaking of my roommate, she saw this picture at [ profile] dt_pic_daily just now and fell in love.  SCORE.  We then spent half an hour going through all the other pictures while she squeed about how cute he was.  WIN.  Except all the pictures she likes most are my least favourites and vice versa.  Whatevs.  And then she literally fell asleep in less than ten seconds while I was talking to her.  Which is hurtful/adorable.

And, of course, today was my granny's funeral.  I was all cheery and OBAMERIFFIC up until the moment we walked in and the casket was there, and then it all kinda hit me and I spent the duration of the funeral alternating between crying and laughing at my brother's antics.  The sermon-y part was wonderful because it was clear that the woman doing the service was pretty familiar with her, but the man who did the rest of the service is the evil evil pastor who swore at my dad six years ago and chased him out of the church he grew up in.  I mean, I'm not complaining because it got us out of that dead-end soulless Lutheran church and into a rockin', fantastic contemporary church, but every time we have to go back to the Lutheran church it's weird.  Anyway, Douchebag Pastor was presiding as well.  And I spent the whole service wiping my nose on my hand cos I didn't realise that the crying just DOESN'T STOP in the presence of the coffin thus forgot to bring tissues, so after the service when Douchebag Pastor went around shaking everyone's hands I whispered to my brother that he better not touch me cos my hand was all gross, but he did anyway, so as soon as he walked away my brother and I both went "Ha ha!" at the same time.  It was glorious.  Douchebag Pastor also messed up the creed (inspiring my brother to hiss "NO!" in the middle of it, which also cracked me up) and one of the page numbers on the list of hymns on the wall from Sunday's service was 666.  I kid you not.  But afterwards we all went and ate covered dish dinner.  Which means I ended up with a plate of one piece of ham and three kinds of macaroni.  I don't really ever want to eat green beans again because no one will ever make them the way my granny did.  Granny green beans.

Anyway, I found myself really clinging to my mom's mom, my grandmom, which made me wonder if I just have some sort of grandmother-latching mechanism.  If so, Grandmom better get used to me hugging her and linking arms with her while we walk, because she's the next oldest.  And the next most accessible.  Even if she is a little annoying and nowhere near as wonderful as my granny was.

I also wanna say thanks so much for your support, guys.  This *should* be the last post about my granny, since most of the mess is behind us now, but it's been so weird.  She's always been a constant thing in my life, and all of the sudden, with absolutely no warning, she was dying.  I'm still afraid of the idea of Christmas without her, or a Thanksgiving where no one protests "Oh, honey, that's too much!" every time someone offers her food.  The only other family members whose loss could have possibly hurt me this much are my parents.  Thanks so much for being so kind and for putting up with my endless rambling about her in your flists.  ...and now I'm tearing up again.  I'm also really upset that my hypothetical future children didn't get to meet her, or that she couldn't come to my hypothetical future ABBA-themed wedding (to Montparnasse).  I mean, I knew she was old and I was perfectly aware that she wasn't immortal, but I never considered life without her right down the street.

Anyway, to end on a happy note.  My mommy bought me two new pairs of shoes today.  When we walked into the shoe store, the clerk said, "How are you?" and my mom's answer was "Full of hope and change!"

lesmisloony: (squee ChanTho)


Listen listen I really need to sleep but I want to do some more NaNo. This is how it stands right now.

5685 / 50000 words. 11% done!


The thing with the puppy!  And that's our first family!  Look at them!  They're so wonderful!  Like, the happiest, healthiest family.  

You guys.  I'm making C's in classes and I feel like an idiot and I've missed them all this week and oh did I mention my granny died? but it's seriously all going to be okay now.  This is what I needed.  I hate being unhappy and I've been unhappy for too long but now I feel like I'm back!  Just gotta get through the funeral tomorrow and make sure I didn't miss too much in my classes.  Ugh.

No way am I sleeping right now.  Just because I'm exhausted doesn't mean I can't hang out with my NaNo characters for a little while longer.  Those boys are seriously the one thing that makes me squee more that PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.
lesmisloony: (Barack!)
I'm crying with joy.

Too many emotions in such a little time, you guys. But right now it's joy.

capnspaudling and I subsequently lost our minds.


Nov. 3rd, 2008 05:29 pm
lesmisloony: (Barack!) 


Also, awww Barack do you want a hug of utter sympathy and understanding?  

How bizarre.


3837 / 50000 words. 8% done!


Oct. 24th, 2008 04:55 pm
Dear republican girl standing right outside my door and talking on your phone:
Please shut up.  Stop talking about politics.  You sound like an idiot to me.  You aren't voting Obama because you think he has too much hype?  REALLY?  Um, why exactly do you think he has hype in the first place?  Could it be because he's actually a good candidate?  And if you hate seeing people who support Obama so much, why exactly did you choose to attend a school that defines itself as a LIBERAL arts school?  I mean, this town is so liberal there's a frikkin Obama headquarters on Franklin Street.  Also, with every cynical word you say I'm reminded of how much I've always wanted my vote to count and how my state has gone red ever since Carter and how great it would be if, the first time I'm old enough to vote, I actually felt like all my campaigning and canvassing had actually resulted in something rather than being sucked into the void of the bs of the electoral college, and how my vote was just completely cancelled out by yours. 

And how can you possibly keep up an anti-Obama conversation for over an hour?  AND WHY CAN'T YOU DO THIS IN YOUR OWN ROOM INSTEAD OF RIGHT OUTSIDE MINE?

Also, your dye job looks terrible.

Love, Loony

Go me!

Oct. 20th, 2008 04:31 pm
lesmisloony: (Barack!)
I VOTED!!!!!

(Also a text conversation with my dad:
Me: I voted!  Guess who for.
Daddy: Ralph Nader.
Me: No, I did a write-in for Jesse Jackson.  Duh.

Yayyy familial sarcasm!)

ALSO.  I have moodtheme ADD.  And I want to actually try making one.
lesmisloony: (Barack!)
Secret Diary of a Call Girl was flipping upsetting.

Pushing Daisies was freaking adorable.

Sarah Palin is a condescending moron.

Heroes was really confusing.  But Sylar is badass. 

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