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Dec. 19th, 2011 03:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lesmisloonyThe last few days have been really tough.
I kind of wounded my back somehow about a week ago--my lower back, just at the base of my spine. And ever since I've had varying degrees of shoulder and neck pain/stiffness. This weekend I couldn't turn my head at all. It's torture. My host family is sympathetic and has put me on Doliprane, a French painkiller, but it only works like 70% and it also makes me really nauseous or... something I can't describe.
The worst thing is, every time I'm left alone with my thoughts they get really dark. I think I am finally starting to look around me and see that my groupie days are over, my obsession with Patrice is over, and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I want. I am looking forward to three things: Christmas at German Lara's house (next weekend), seeing Adam & Eve (in a little over a month), and 1789 (in less than a year). After that... nothing. It's like my life is a ten minute youtube video and it's only managed to buffer the first minute. I don't know what to look forward to after that. I don't have any career aspirations or anything. Whenever I see how happy my host family is surrounded by family and life-long friends I ask what the hell I think I'm doing out here alone in a foreign country prowling around dating sites for company and texting people who don't feel the need to answer. I love Europe and I love France and I love Paris, but I'm just getting so scared and so overwhelmed. I don't miss the United States at all, but wouldn't it be easier?
I can't give up and go back, though, because here I at least have a plan for another year. I submitted my TAPIF application and will find out what they say at the beginning of April. Everyone who knows about the program assures me that I'll get Paris (or a suburb) since I have so much experience living here and speaking French and blah blah. Plus I've found a program that hooks students up with a lonely old person with a huge house in Paris: you live in a spare room and pay something like €21 a month and all the old person asks is that you eat dinner with them and tell them about your day. I LOVE old people. That would be ideal for me as long as they found me a suitable geezer and as long as my person didn't DIE before our year was up. I would even make an awesome PROFIT from TAPIF if I could do that!
If I went home... I have no idea. I wouldn't be growing or moving forward. I wouldn't know where to start looking for a job or future. Literally, I wouldn't know WHERE to look. My hometown? My college town? New York City? Some random city I find by throwing a dart at a map? No, at least here I have a path for next year. At least here I CAN do stuff if I want. At least here I have a place in society, even if that place has become slightly obsolete without MOR.
Anyway. Scared, depressed, sore, unsure. And sore. REALLY sore. I'm at a point in my life where for the first time mortality is really starting to scare me.
Also, I have found that I can no longer make ANY life decisions without running it by other people first. Even my Sims game I screencap new developments so I can tell everyone (no one cares) about it. I haven't started applying for the living-with-an-old-person thing because I haven't had enough friends encourage me to do so yet. In any case I should probably wait till April, because if I don't get TAPIF then I'm going to have to stay with this host family for another year.
My sore back kept me indoors last Monday, and I skipped stagedooring La Chanson de l'Année. I went for a few hours during the afternoon and saw Christophe Maé, Shy'm, Seal, and Bénabar going in to rehearsals. If I had come back and waited to catch people as they left I could have seen the troupes of Adam & Eve and 1789. I could have gotten flotos. But I stayed here and laid across my bed and thought about how scared I was until I cried.
I kind of wounded my back somehow about a week ago--my lower back, just at the base of my spine. And ever since I've had varying degrees of shoulder and neck pain/stiffness. This weekend I couldn't turn my head at all. It's torture. My host family is sympathetic and has put me on Doliprane, a French painkiller, but it only works like 70% and it also makes me really nauseous or... something I can't describe.
The worst thing is, every time I'm left alone with my thoughts they get really dark. I think I am finally starting to look around me and see that my groupie days are over, my obsession with Patrice is over, and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I want. I am looking forward to three things: Christmas at German Lara's house (next weekend), seeing Adam & Eve (in a little over a month), and 1789 (in less than a year). After that... nothing. It's like my life is a ten minute youtube video and it's only managed to buffer the first minute. I don't know what to look forward to after that. I don't have any career aspirations or anything. Whenever I see how happy my host family is surrounded by family and life-long friends I ask what the hell I think I'm doing out here alone in a foreign country prowling around dating sites for company and texting people who don't feel the need to answer. I love Europe and I love France and I love Paris, but I'm just getting so scared and so overwhelmed. I don't miss the United States at all, but wouldn't it be easier?
I can't give up and go back, though, because here I at least have a plan for another year. I submitted my TAPIF application and will find out what they say at the beginning of April. Everyone who knows about the program assures me that I'll get Paris (or a suburb) since I have so much experience living here and speaking French and blah blah. Plus I've found a program that hooks students up with a lonely old person with a huge house in Paris: you live in a spare room and pay something like €21 a month and all the old person asks is that you eat dinner with them and tell them about your day. I LOVE old people. That would be ideal for me as long as they found me a suitable geezer and as long as my person didn't DIE before our year was up. I would even make an awesome PROFIT from TAPIF if I could do that!
If I went home... I have no idea. I wouldn't be growing or moving forward. I wouldn't know where to start looking for a job or future. Literally, I wouldn't know WHERE to look. My hometown? My college town? New York City? Some random city I find by throwing a dart at a map? No, at least here I have a path for next year. At least here I CAN do stuff if I want. At least here I have a place in society, even if that place has become slightly obsolete without MOR.
Anyway. Scared, depressed, sore, unsure. And sore. REALLY sore. I'm at a point in my life where for the first time mortality is really starting to scare me.
Also, I have found that I can no longer make ANY life decisions without running it by other people first. Even my Sims game I screencap new developments so I can tell everyone (no one cares) about it. I haven't started applying for the living-with-an-old-person thing because I haven't had enough friends encourage me to do so yet. In any case I should probably wait till April, because if I don't get TAPIF then I'm going to have to stay with this host family for another year.
My sore back kept me indoors last Monday, and I skipped stagedooring La Chanson de l'Année. I went for a few hours during the afternoon and saw Christophe Maé, Shy'm, Seal, and Bénabar going in to rehearsals. If I had come back and waited to catch people as they left I could have seen the troupes of Adam & Eve and 1789. I could have gotten flotos. But I stayed here and laid across my bed and thought about how scared I was until I cried.
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no subject
Date: 2011-12-19 01:22 pm (UTC)For the rest of it... give yourself time to find your balance. You have a little time; you're in Paris, you have a place to live, you have employment, you have food and such. Give yourself a break and it'll fall into place. You'll see. :)