(no subject)

[lesmisloony]

Being home is really nice, as I mentioned before. I'm getting the chance to regroup, to go through all my old stuff from before France and all the stuff I still have after France and get it all together. I took care of the insurance stuff for my hospital stay and now my dad is turning all the paperwork for the student loan payments and deferments over to me too. If I was still in France trying to figure everything out that would be stressful, but here I have the chance to take it slow and stay organized.

But at the same time, I feel like I'm watching myself sink into irrelevance. The MOR fandom is now just a bunch of people on tumblr with a shared interest in the occasional gifset of Flo wandering around a studio. There was a mild interest in 1789, but not really in my recap or stagedoor stories of it. The Florum is just long strings of me sharing news and nobody commenting. Not to mention the fact that none of my friends, the people I was so desperate to get back to, seem to care that I'm home. Zero of the people located in and around my hometown have offered to hang out sometime. There's talk of us all getting together to go laugh through the next Twilight movie over Thanksgiving, but I know that if I don't plan it it won't happen. None of them are ever on skype anymore when I need someone to talk to, which is weird because we're in the same time zone now.

When I went to my first study abroad meeting, they said not to worry about your friends moving on while you're gone, because when you return you'll inevitably find that you're the one who has changed. That was true when I came home for a month after my first semester in Paris. Now, almost two years later... it's the opposite. I have stronger stances on some issues, but I feel like I'm still sitting here putting on silly costumes, dancing to ABBA, and raving about MOR while everyone else goes off and does their own thing without looking back. Things will probably get better once I'm able to leave this town again, but I needed this break so badly and I'm not ready to start making those plans yet. My mom tried to send me on a blind-friend-date with a girl from her work, because as an extrovert she assumes that, like her, I wish I had a bunch of near-strangers to suddenly start hanging out with. It was awkward. I'm reluctant to make new friends for the two months I'll be here, because once I move on they'll just be more facebook status updates and more of me squinting and going "Do I actually know this person?". But now I've just gone and isolated myself again just like in France. I need a few close friends, not a ton of casual ones, and sometimes I feel like I've invested myself in people who don't need me back. People who have other plans with other people whenever I ask if they want to hang out. I feel like that old paranoia from the bad times in the dorms is coming back, when I knew it was just that no one actually wanted to be around me.

I know I changed so much in France and I'm proud of everything I learned, but sometimes I wonder if I'd have been happier if I'd just stayed here in ignorance so they didn't have a chance to replace me.

Comments

[angely78.livejournal.com]

Welllll...when are you moving to NY? Assuming that is still.the plan? Because I'm actually gonna be there the weekend of Jan 26th. Ya know. Just saying n stuff.

[apollinnaire.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad to know you got back safely! I was worried the trip would be difficult since you fell ill with that blood problem. Well, I relate A LOT to what you wrote. I know of a lot of people who studied/lived abroad and who also live kind of between different countries (in your case, continents!) and the problem is similar: where are our roots? where do we belong? who are our friends? which of them stay no matter what?

I also lived in France for a year and realized I'd lost all my friends when I came back. With some I had deliberately split ways but others simply faded away to do their own thing. One year is a long time. They made new friends, themselves, and engaged in different activities. Some moved to other countries. Some engaged in new relationships. Some just decided to cut off with old friends and acquaintances out of incompatibility. Of all of my pre-France friends I only keep one who talks to me online and who cares. She just moved to London, though. We talk on facebook and send each other cards but she's not a "close friend" anymore. Even if she's the nicest human being that ever crossed my path.

I used to live in the capital but moved to a northern city when I came back. My parents and family still live there, though. But I have nobody there besides them so it's a bit of a torture when I spend time there. I have nothing to do and nobody to meet so I just sit in my room and wait until I can come back here.

The few people that I have now, besides my family, are either related to my boyfriend or folks I met in college. I have no close friends to hang out with. I find it that I can't exactly make "close friends" at this age. Most people *already* have their own friends and don't need/want more people in their lives. We're not teenage-like innocent anymore and we have trouble relating, too. I lived in many different places and did many different things. Most people here did nothing of what I did and those who also went all over the place at some point are just kind of incompatible, somehow. I can eventually "hang out" with some people but I can't start an actual friendship. Plus, I kind of know that I'm also here temorarily and once I move somewhere else, these people will indeed be "facebook updates" for some time before I delete them for I no longer know them at all. And even before I move, when my boyfriend and I break up 99% of those people will be gone. They're just there and friendly towards me as I'm "his girlfriend". We don't really have a lot in common, when this bond's gone, they'll erase me from their mind and I guess a new (girlfriend) version of me will take my place and nobody here will even remember my name anymore.

Obviously I wish I had people to call and to hang out with and whatever. People not dependant on my relationship status and who actually *liked* me or knew me. But to be honest, not only don't I know where to find them but I also find myself backing off potentialy cool/nice people as I don't quite feel like going through the friend-making process all over again.

[popolitessaglia.livejournal.com]

If it means anything, I don't think you're "whinging" or anything. I don't really have any experience with what you're going through but they seem like legit things to "whing" about.

[yobambam666.livejournal.com]

I feel like I'm in the same boat as you kind of. When I was in 10th grade I got really depressed, and I found out that my supposed BFF was talking shit about me behind my back because I was acting depressed. Which, I understand them not wanting to be around negative people, but you'd think someone who had been your best friend for years would have the decency to not shut you out because you were depressed and unable to hide it. But anyway- we had a falling out and are technically friends again, but she moved on with her life without me. Since then I haven't really been able to make new friends... it's just exhausting to try to bond with someone, especially since hardly anyone around shares my interests and all that. I am the kind of person who only needs a few really close friends, but I always kind of feel like I care more about them than they do about me...

I feel like I get where you're coming from. I wish that once you became internet friends with someone it would magically form a portal from your house to theirs, so that long distance friendships wouldn't be a problem. lol.

[caliypsoe.livejournal.com]

I had a similar experience when I came home from my year in Florida. I found that I had to reach out to the people I wanted to reestablish friendships with. I don't think it's because people don't care. It's just inevitable that life goes on and I felt like it was my responsibility to contact them again since I was the one who left. (Also because I didn't make much effort to keep up the friendship while I was away.) Don't worry, no one is "replaceable". It's really difficult but you just have to establish the fact that you are in people's lives again.